3 months

" Researchers have found that children who lose a parent need two conditions to continue to thrive: a stable surviving caregiver to meet their emotional and physical needs, and open and honest communication about the death and its impact on the family. Sheer psychical care isn't enough. The child who can express her sadness and who feels secure in her environment is the one most likely to integrate the loss and avoid serious ongoing distress."- Motherless Daughters

When I read that statement, it really hit me hard. My father died when I was six. Those conditions surely were not met, I ran to my Grandma when I could but she wasn't my full time caregiver. I cant remember anyone really talking to me about losing my father. I think everyone thought it was no big deal since we didn't live together. As I got older I asked questions, put some of the sad pieces together. On and off as an adult i have mourned the loss of my father. Its almost like I can never fully grieve it though. I am not sure why. Maybe because I was never around his family, or because there is this curiosity in me, of who he was or who he would have been in my life.

I try to plow through this book, and I simply can't. I am just not there yet, Its too sad for me, to read all these stories of loss.

The journey of losing my Grandmother is going to be a long one, and that is what it is. I cry often for her, its hard for me to go to the store, I can still picture her in her chair at home or working in the thrift store,.

I watched Tyler Perry's Speech for Whitney Houston, and it just made me cry, but it also reminded me how much my Grandma loved the Lord. How she dedicated her life to the church, and serving. Such a humble , sweet, generous loving soul. Each day in her sickness she lit her Saint Jude candle, read her prayer cards, had her church friends come read the bible with her, and while still coherent her priest came into her home to read her last rights.

My Grandma was ready to go home to the Lord when she passed.

I had a vision last night that My Grandma and Dad are together, and she told him how much i always loved and missed him.

Maybe its silly or maybe its true.

Enlightened

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Proverbs 27:6

"An insecure and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast ; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind"
-Buddha

I feel enlightened by these statements today, truly. I made my peace, I was the bigger, nice person. I will be mindful today and live in the now.

I am so grateful for the few intelligent, confident, honest people i have in my life. Those who see depth to a soul, those who know me and my heart of gold. I love these people, I loved my Grandma, and most importantly i love myself. I love my resilience, my strength, my generosity and compassion, my warm heart and my honest mouth. I love that I can get up on a block at my size, and dance half naked, even when I am surrounded by mean girls. How freaking awesome is that!!!

Always stay true Nicole, Always.

Mindfulness

This is something I read and discussed the other day.

Mindfulness is about keeping your awareness in the current moment most of the time. It is about being present and aware in your life today. Mindfulness would say the past is the past and the future isn't here yet.

What has happened in the past has already happened. It cant be changes. It is possible to learn from the past, reflect on the past, or just have a memory of the past.

since the future hasn't happened yet, there is no point in excessively worrying about what is to come. And yet, it is effective to plan and prepare for the future.

Being in the past and future mindfully or intentionally is optimal. If instead you live your life mindlessly in the past or future , you can miss out on really important things going on right now and end up regretting it later.

Mindfulness would say: If you are going to to spend time and energy focusing on the past and future; do it intentionally and with full awareness. However, spend most of your time in the present moment, in the here and now, in today. This allows you to fully experience your life as it happening, rather than what it was or what it might be.