Live your life queen

Ah, Queen Adele. You are back, and I am sure with a vengeance. With age I realize more and more, music defines my soul, so much more than tv or movies. Also the more people i meet the more I realize this. Is music just dying with young people? I was lucky my Mother and Grandparents loved music. I just saw Straight out of Compton, and found myself moving and singing in the theatre, and the only white girl! I find this insane, there is so much music out there, so many genres we all need to appreciate. Not only do I want to go buy some NWA music, I also cannot wait for Adele to release her album! 

Music, lyrics, are my soul. 

Hello, it's me

I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet

To go over everything

They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be

When we were younger and free

I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us

And a million miles

Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times

To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried

To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart

Anymore

Hello, how are you?

It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry

I hope that you're well

Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret that the both of us

Are running out of time

So hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times

To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried

To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart

Anymore, ooooohh

Anymore, ooooohh

Anymore, ooooohh

Anymore, anymore

Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times

To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried

To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart

Anymore

https://youtu.be/YQHsXMglC9A

better days

All week I was in a very anxious depressed state, crying literally every day at work uncontrollably. It was so frustrating. I can't say I don't know why, of course I do. My phone is off, I have no car insurance, which means at work I cannot make more money by transporting clients and leaving the building. So I am forced to ask people, whom most are mean girls. I am the minority, lets put it that way.
I have NO money, yeah most say thats life, things will get better , but it doesn't ever seem to get better. Money is a big trigger for me I grew up with really no parents that provided or worked hard, no father, and broke. So yes, we all need money but it severely triggers my frame of mind and my depression.
I am making what i was making in HS to do what should be a $20 hour job, its draining mentally, and I don't feel appreciated by a long time friend who knows my conditions.

I still have not got approved for medical so have no clue when i can get a DR here,  and I just don't know how much more I can take.

Its not worth talking about so I just type, everyone has problems right, get over it nicole, this too shall pass, its all bullshit to me. people have different diseases that are out of their control, and I wish more would understand that,

My mother just ignores me, its funny I have worked my entire life and she did nothing. She always told me, if she had money she would do anything for me, talk about a bold face lie.  You think she could at least give me half or even a quarter of my ssi money she took my entire life, but no. I don't even  have a bed, yet I am supposed to believe you love me? Oh because my problems and depression stress you out? what do you think you've done to me since  a child? how pathetic. 

I left texas with nothing to get out of a very abusive relationship, if you'd like the police reports please let me know.

I " thought" i was seeing someone, and of course I cannot count on this individual either. I am there when  needed but when i need support, I just get ignored.... SO yes, i just figured out my severe flair up, there are days i can't even move, i can't call anyone and i get a guilt trip from work, when I am in dire pain.... I really don't know the point anymore.


There is some good news i got a part time job at bath and body works, I am super excited.....maybe now i can survive!!!!!

Daughters Day

Did you know there is a daughters day.
I would never get the words i deserve from my mother, but i am going to write a letter to me as if it were from her.

Dear Nicole,
HAPPY DAUGHTERS DAY, to a wonderful soul....a kind, generous, resilient,  strong, thoughtful, independent woman. My first beautiful baby girl, Grandma was the only one to witness your birth, and she couldn't get over how pretty you and your dark hair were.


You were a surprise, i wast too young for a baby, and not ready to stop my partying lifestyle. That is when you and Grandma's bond first started.

There are a lot of things I allowed to occur to you, that have damaged your mental health forever. I can never make up for those things. I was, and stupid, and honestly had no clue what i was doing as a mother. I loved my baby regardless.

I have never sat down and looked you in the eye and apologized for all the many things i put you through, if so maybe we can one day move forward and have a relationship. I am sorry I made you work from such a young age as i did speed and slept with various men, I am sorry I went to prison, I am sorry i never created a sisterly bond between you and stephanie the way I should have , rather than turn her against you....I am sorry for leaving you by the way side while she was my priority and all i ever cared about.  I am sorry for the neglect , and all the nights alone you endured. Much less the bullying and abuse from steve.


If i could erase all that i would. You are a walking imagine of your father and i know if he were here he would be very proud of you, the fact you are still alive after what you have endured is a miracle; A miracle from GOD he has a plan for you, or i would have stayed at that table at planned parent hood instead of leaving.
I am sorry i created no saving account for you from your ssi, instead i refused to work for whatever reason.  I know that would be all you would have of your dad, and I know he hates to see you struggle from above, I know it kill his giving heart.

I hope one day I have the courage to really say these things, so we can finally clear the air and hopefully move forward.


written by Nicole Lynn Wilder-Cramer

Grandparents

Last weekend was Grandparents day. Due to my shitty relatives I did not attend my Grandpa-aka Fathers' funeral. This was the second time I had gone. It was nice and emotional. The view is amazing, it is right on the water at point loma!

I tried to see my mother who feels she owes me nothing, while my gross aunt is trying to get her to spend her inheritance on a face lift. um how about a home? How about the money they got when their Grandma died, yet they talk so much  shit. I decided after today, a long letter will be written to my biological mother and I want nothing to due with not once person in their family I don't care if it is a death or a birth, I will not have it. I have done my part all of my life and get shit on.

God works in mysterious ways

Gosh I am so sick to my stomach right now.
I finally escaped Texas,  THANK GOD, sadly it was a result of domestic violence, i got punched in the mouth and my 3 front teeth are loose and i had to move back in place. It was so painful. Of course  the thing i love about myself the most, someone goes after. lucky I had friends NOT family to help me with gas to get back, and a friend to stay with the last month, and friends to help get rooms. Also found a job with in two weeks, which probably makes the sick nasty relatives bitter.

What makes me bitter?
My shady ass relatives, most of which couldn't stand my Grandparents or her paper plates, are more than willing to spend their money, funny enough they won't tell anyone how much it is. WHY? if you have nothing to be ashamed of, if you are honest, if you know you did right by them, why is it such a big secret?
My Grandma never wanted money to go to her kids, she always told me they don't need it, it should go to the grandkids. Just like she wanted to be buried not cremated. However she always went along with my Grandpa, and he simply didn't care anymore. He gave up on life.

Nothing makes me more sick, then back stabbing people more than willing to spend their money, yet they raised me and i didn't even get to attend the funeral. Selfish much? yet ALL i got was a stack of cards they saved from me since a child, but no they didn't love me like their own. Pathetic.
Man I can't stand these people, I hope to never see them again. they literally make my stomach turn.

The fake ass funerals, yet I was the only Granddaughter to speak at my Grandmas funeral. however, treated like chopped liver when my father died. Jealous bastards. They couldn't wait for revenge.  Fake fake fake bullshit, hate me because I am honest, thats the best.

My journey back West

I have been dying to move back to California, since the day i step foot in Texas. It just didn't happen the way I imagine it.

I am very excited to get home and see my friends, do not get me wrong, but I am overwhelmed with melancholy as well. 

I liked Waco, I was finally getting into a good place mentally. I had a plan to work toward my goals. My placement test was Thursday, I did my fasfa, I got really good news on a dismissal, and I was doing good. I had appointments for some specialist to work on my fibro. Now I feel back to square one.

I was a victim of domestic violence, and had to get in my car and just grab a few things and the dogs. I had to leave a lot of sentimental items, a storage, and I am feeling really sad. I can feel the depression just flowing through my body uncontrollably. I feel like I need a sponsor, someone I can speak to thats suffered from severe depression and anxiety. 

I can just pray to God that he will take care of me, Jeremiah 29:11 says he has a plan for me to prosper and i believe that, I just need cheerleaders by my side....

I am afraid, where will i live, where will i get income..ect... not to mention for my court case against xyz, ill have to fly back 3 times.

I feel lost, but so special that so many friends love me, and got me back across the country. NONE of my " family" stepped up to help, not even a dime. how sad is that? I have always been so generous, but what goes around comes around. I will not focus on that, I am focusing on all those that love me for me.

 I am so hard of myself. Old friends always told me the bad person I was, so to see people step up out of love, makes me feel so good. Its such a blessing from God. 

My teeth are loose, they hurt and I love my smile to it makes me so sad.

Good friends right now mean more than anything.... 

The Semi ; Colon project

YOUR STORY ISN'T OVER YET

Project Semicolon (The Semicolon Project) is a faith-based non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and love to those who are struggling with depression, suicide, addiction and self-injury. Project Semicolon exists to encourage, love and inspire. 

Not just a trend.

I had my mind set on this tattoo. I am sure we all know what it means, but if not here goes: The semi colon is used when an author contnues a sentence rather than end it.

When you suffer from depression and severe anxiety, passive suicide thoughts are the norm. They continue and seem to get worse and it turns into ideation. Then, eventually you get to a point, or for me there is a major trigger and you attempt it.
God is in control, not myself. This Tattoo will remind me of that, I do not choose when I go home to Jesus and the kingdom of heaven. I struggle so much with not trusting God enough, I don't mindfully think that, but it is the case because anxiety is thinking God will get it wrong and depression is thinking he already did. God gets nothing wrong, he is our sovereign Lord. We get it wrong when we choose free will over him.

Please educate yourself, this is a disease. It is serious, real, genetic, and severe. My family has seriously dropped the ball on educating themselves, which is ironic because they pretty much all have some form or degree of mental illness. This is the ultimate reason I am estranged from my blood relatives. It is NOT about finding a happy place, or doing some activity that makes you happy. I do plenty of that. So please, educate, understand, and break the stigma.

Fathers Day now will be difficult as well, it landed on the one year anniversary of my Grandpa passing. Not only did my relatives not help me attend the funeral, they didnt even have the decenecy to send me his prayer card, or program. Knowing my Grandpa raised me. Heartless, selfish people.

SO I made a little shrine foe my loved ones that have passed my angels. 

I love the pictures of my dad and his father, so handsome.

Dad, its been so long. 28 years. I still miss you. Yes I was only 6, but I am constantly reminded of the lack of family I have and how I mean nothing to them. With you dad I hold on to a dream and a hope that I would have been your little angel. That you would understand me, and love me unconditionally. That I would be able to make you proud. That we would be best friends. I will always hold onto this dream, because no one can take it from me. I love you.‪#‎rip‬ ‪#‎6yearsold‬ ‪#‎dream‬ ‪#‎daddy‬

Suicide

I hate to write about this, but stopping the stigma of mental illness is a passion of mine, and I would be going against my values if I wasnt honest. If one person read this and realized they are not alone, that would be enough.

Our current generation is very obssessed with suicidal ideation, passive suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self harm, panic attacks ect.

Statistics currently show that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused. What happens is it never gets healed or recognized and well look at us millinealls now.

Suicide is the 3rd largest killer among our generation. Death by suicide is #10 while homocide is #16,    Every 13 seconds someone is taken from us.

Its serious people, it can happen to anyone. It doesnt matter how on top of the world you feel, you are not protected. Educate yourself, talk about it, if you know a friend isnt theirself reach out! Dont judge or disown them because they arent themseleves or making poor decissions , its a disease. You cant see it through the human eye but please do your research and do something to help. If a friend you know is down, and they call ANSWER!!!!!! It could be their last call before they make the choice.

I called 4 friends before I attempted to end my life last sunday. Not one answer. It was my fault for not calling the suicide line, but I clearly was not thinking properly. I was determined to die and prayed out loud to Jesus the entire time to please forgive me. Well like always I can hear Jesus saying "nope Nicole, not now, you mean too much and that is why the enemey will not leave you alone, your my daughter and here for great purpose". ( just my imagination). I cant see those things- with no support system or family you cant help but wonder.

Well i called 911 and went to an inpatient facility, it wasnt malibu or Aspen but it helped. To be around people, that you may have never known, yet you connect, laugh, and cry together... Well it was a Godsend. All of my doctors were great- we had group therapy for hours a day.. It was like a family of non judgmental, understanding, loving people that just met you.

I can only take one day at a time right now. I had to move in with a friend in Waco and its constant chaos, and makes me ill. But I try to cope the best I can.

I have no clue what my future holds and when i lost my Grandparents I guess i lost my mind. I am a smart, funny, generous, honest woman and with God, all things are possible.

One very sad note is, i text my mom and sister before going in. Have they called me? Did they call me there? Will my mother answer my phone call or text . NO! That's heartbreaking, and very solid proof i mean nothing to them, they would have no idea if i was dead, and lack of actions show me that. Which will always be painful.

So please reach out when you need help. Or answer your phone when someone is in crisis.

If you read this and want to start drama, thats fine. I am unashamed.

NLC

Waco... Huuuhhh?

4am still up- already had my energy surge and cooked, cleaned.. Now i cant stop chewing on ice... And yes i know im severely anemic and very anxious. Wondering what life will be like in small town Waco... Very nervous.... Excited for small town nice people... Trying to get my fasfa processed so i can go to school. Lord, i do not know what you have planned for me, but please lead me to your plan and give me clarity to see it. In Jesus name youll get me through this long valley Amen! 👍🏻😇🙇👼

Its all about you, Jesus

Sometimes, I wish this blog was private, then I could be totally transparent. Then no one would read it. Although I dont know what anyone reads it because they actually care about my life.

So much is happening lately, most probably would not even believe so much could go on with one person at once.

I am listening to worship music, praying for a week of chaos i must face. I often wonder: mentally how much can one person take all on their own?
 The Lord has to have a plan for me, because the devil is on overtime. Attacking me in every possibly direction. In my head I know that means, I have something special to offer, otherwise I would have died a long time ago. The devil doesnt attack those that are not special and unique to Jesus. He already ownes those indaviduals. I know God has purpose for my life, there are some very intelligent people that tell me how much I have to offer and how smart I am. I am just ready to put that into motion. I want to serve the Lord and walk out his plan. I just feel so lost, I feel like every choice I make is a dumb one. My anxiety is so high, that means I am not trusting the Lord, but I do not mean that to be the case.
Everyone always says how strong and brave I am, but its just not in my heart.....
I guess I am up, feeling really anxious and sad. Missing my Grandparents like always and just want to ramble.

I will be stuck in Tx longer than i wanted, and I really want to go to school in the fall , so this week I plan to get three years of taxes done, so I can do the fasfa and go to CC in the fall, and then transfer to Austin CC.

That is the tentative plan. My life is so hectic, I cant make many plans, which also fuels my anxiety. I have too much to offer this world, a strong testimony and a true will to help others and that is what i need to do.

I am going to read my bible and attempt sleep. xxx God Bless.

My living situation

So let me brief you; I moved to Texas making about 45k and living in the addison circle. Paying 1200 a month for a one bedroom for a very nice, safe community.
Due to my health, I lost my job, and lost everything.
I now live in THE worst area of Dallas, S Dallas. In fact when the owner lived here people did break in while her kids were there. so honestly, you really should be paying nothing to live here, I cant walk my dogs or drive around, being the only white girl, people are very racist here.

So she messaged me on IG from couponing and told me she had a room to rent. Everyone told me not to of ALL nationalities. that it was dangerous and not safe for me to be here, but I had to do what I had to do.

When i got here, this place was disgusting, my bathroom and bathtub were black, the doors were black. For literally a week me and a friend came here, and scrubbed the heck out of this house. We worked our asses off. She offered to allow me to stay a couple months for free but I did not, I paid her.

I got rid of a living room full of her old trash, several people prior to me have come and gone and left food, trash, dishes and messes, and i cleaned it all I filled up two trash cans. i washed all the covers on the couch. the kitchen was full of old dishes with FOOD still on them , um disgusting?
 I cleaned it ALL! (unpaid) We were infested with rats, to where their feces were on the kitchen table, and out of 4 people I am the ONLY one that cleans it up and did what i could, in fact i asked the owner to please come over so we could clean the front and back yard. I worked my ass off, I was in dire pain, we had so much trash and debree it filled about 20 black trash bags (no pay) I do these things out of the goodness of my heart and I honor the Lord. No white girl in their right mind would live here but I just pray nightly for protection, through the gunshots and all. I have bought and planted peppermint to try and deter future rats, I have bought and used all my cleaners, I have cleaned, mopped the living room and kitchen none stop. never a thank you from anyone.
Also my room is the only one downstairs with my bathroom, the guy up stairs has a bathroom right next to him. so she showers there, but uses mine to use the restroom, yet showers upstairs. Why is that allowed?
He will not put the toilet down, or clean after is hair or piss, doesnt clean the bathroom all just to drive me nuts.

lately he has antagonized me in full force. he slams the toilet seats up at 6am, as my room is right across. My room is this make shift room some tweaker built , so i can hear everything above me including when people above me do "things".

I am truly the only one who cares about this home, because thats how i was raised, I have spent money buying lightbulbs and other things, I dont even think our smoke alarms work, nice huh? People that could care less and just want a pay check disgust me.
I even when to the owners home on Christmas, gave a gift, have been very nice to her children.

Recently our garbage disposal broke. I asked for a month to please fix it. I put a note saying " please do not let food get down there. did they listen ? NO there was so much food sitting there, that our house is infested with gnats. I have cleaned everything, put apple cider vinegar, everything. It doesnt matter, they are multiplying each time they land. It is disgusting to even cook. I have really never seen anything like this, they are even in my bathroom!!!!!

A young hispanic couple moved in and i have been nothing but nice to them, I made room for them in the kitchen,  showed them around... was that my job? ( no thank you )
I have taken her to church, given her things, been so so so sweet. Yet the owner lied and said he said he didnt like me. NO what he said is he didnt like the Drama with me and carlos.

So Carlos, a family friend of the owner, a very akward 30 year old single male, who happens to be very nasty, 6 months and I have never seen him wash his bedding. He doesnt believe in cleaning or mopping.

Now i stay in my room about  90% of the time, we have no tv and the other 10% I am cleaning weather my mess or not.
So Carlos I did befriend, before knowing he is a two faced, lying , backstabber. As if his drunk ass has any room to talk.
so daily he would show me pictures of half naked woman on his phone, i asked him to stop, and he wouldnt... and it was daily, I got sick of it. What makes you think i want to see women with fake boobs daily? Also he wanted to add my on FB and I said no, I was nice, I just said I dont trust you with my business, so id rather not.
Well because of this, he got all mad at me, will not talk, and took the wifi away from me, and even crumbled my money in a ball and threw it at my door. um are we 2 years old? now I am the second person he has done this to. Probably a sign he should not be in charge of the internet.  Be professional you dont have to like your roommates, but keep business what it is.
Now i have not run to the owner to tell her all the little things they do because she will just say oh well just move. she truly does not care about her home in any way shape or form. I have never seen anything like this. In fact when Carlos was putting on a show and i was his friend, he was going to move out. yet stupid me talked him into staying. huge mistake. Now she wants to blame me that he wants to move. she blames me for everything.
Then there is this nasty ass gay man that lives here, I have literally seen him twice, and you know why he doesnt like me? because i caught him stealing my sodas, that he never replaced. The funny thing is she told me he has no car and cant get here, but now she wants to blame me for him not being here. Ironic, my gay friends have told me everyone hates him, he is disgusting, he goes out alone, and is nasty wearing the same clothes daily. and Carlos has one friend the owners brother. yet you want to blame me? what a joke, i should be beyond appreciated. however, if someone doesnt care about their home, they arent gonna care if you take care of.

so today she has gone off on my for whatever reason, and when ive called her out on her lies she says " stop texing me " your harassing me"  I have not threatened her or hurt her, how is texting your landlord harassment? oh because she doesnt want to deal with anything regarding this house, she doesnt want to be bothered.
the biggest kicker, is she is supposedly a true JW, could have fooled me, she has not handled renting her home in a Godly form in any way,

I can only handle so much before i go off, I am antagonized daily, no joke by carlos, what the heck do expect????
Bye the way the gay man got in a huge fight with Carlos, and killed his cat, and countless people have lived here before me. Yet you want to blame me? lol joke!

maybe if she was more professional, clean, and set some house rules she would attract clean, normal people as myself.
OH and then she wants tobring up my insomnia in it to put me down, this is a 40 years Jehovah Witness yet others  get drunk beyond belief and leave their cans in the driveway. You really have some nerve. Its ok, God knows every single detail. Thank you Jesus. Amen

Humbling

Its funny i leave church, inspired, on top of the world, and i come home to misery. I wont have care insurance soon, i have given up everything. I have no luxeries- no cable - internet-money-shopping-entertainment- i live in south D, which is frightening. I have literally had to give up every single thing. But when is it enough to be so humble- not even netflix...... I am trying to trust

 

the Lord will provide.... But im so stressed...... So ill look at my beautiful HS home. Still remember my # 15 years later 244-7158 emperor drive #stress #anxiety #alone #sad #rip #godsartwork #myhome #forever 

#dearme

#DEARME 

Dear the young(er) me, you will endure a lot, the struggle will be real, however you have some amazing resilience. God blessed you with amazing Grandparents to teach you responsibility, strength, work ethic, honesty and morals. Your tragedies will contribute to your attitude, but dont be so hard on yourself. Your heart is warm as pie. You arent perfect, you are a sinner, you'll desperately want to change things about yourself, but the Lord created you before conception, and its ok to have flaws. People you love will reject you, abandoned you, and it will break your heart. You are a sensitive old soul and people will not understand you or like you. You have to except it, it is truly their loss. Stop worrying, God has purpose for your life. Take life one day at a time, try not to worry, and make your Grandparents proud.  Love, the 33 year old you.🙏💁💖

1. #june21 #sadday #lostthemboth #missingmygrandparents #rip #bestmaniveevermet #timeflies #iloveyougrandpa and every single thing you did for me since i was born, you loved me like your 7th child. Please watch over me 😓👼💔 oh and Grandparents day is after my birthday #fml #depression
2.  His first anniversary lands on Fathers Day, such a bummer.

Lord, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa; Please hear my prayer and get me through these next few lonely days

Psalm 88^[a]

¹ Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
² May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

³ I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
⁴ I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
⁵ I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

⁶ You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
⁷ Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.^[d]
8 You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
⁹     my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.
¹⁰ Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
¹¹ Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction^[e]?
¹² Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

¹³ But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
¹⁴ Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

¹⁵ From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
¹⁶ Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
¹⁷ All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
¹⁸ You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

I will buy you a new life

The Video below is totally worth your time into couple moments and it's a spoken word and it is something that I wish I had the nerve to do because with this girl says it is exactly my thoughts feelings emotions to the point exactly the same.

http://youtu.be/aqu4ezLQEUA

#widn- if a #rant bugs you move along instead of judging because you are perfect 💁 I am coloring because its 8:30 am my time and i have been up 4 days. Cleaning my ass off- cleaning rat shit inside, the entire kitchen, went to some ghetto ass clinic called #metrocare where they base on your income and do not carry most medications that are  imperative to my health not even Lyrica not an anxiety medication nothing for #fibromyalgia or neaurapothy (sp) yet its still a 30 co pay. My past dr gave me hyrdro for the broke foot thats not putting me to sleep and I'm convinced that the Ambien they gave me is a placebo because that's done nothing at all. I got a letter today declining my federal disability I applied for that though other agencies and doctors do consider me disabled i don't me SSI disability qualifications so I cried for about four hours still did not fall asleep have no family to talk to about it at all no mom that even cares or even knows what's wrong with me. Yet you can wake up at #Methodist Hospital in North Oak Cliff not know how you got there told you were wondering around Dallas alone with nothing with you and that's not a disability interesting. For the first time in my life in Texas I lost 2 jobs because my health mentally and physically its so so severe, and I have worked and paid Social Security since I was 13 and they use that against you as a solid work history and it being educated. This week I also got a parking ticket for $45 downtown, I had a major court issue, I got a drive through car wash stuck on my car the left side of my back fender ripped off because I have a scion. Got into a "dispute" with  a roommate that I will not look at and will NOT look @this busted #basicbitch who he is "dating" A.k.a. using for a ride to work and back because he has no car and he has no money so she makes him food,  so she's not attractive MEN will NOT use me, very awkward and he is the typical ex military womanizer douche bag which is a huge regret so that has made me cry for days as well. Planned church but i cant with sever #insomnia #longassblog #alone #scared #desperate #shattered #lost #welcometotexas #youarejustnegitive #wh#whatsunconditionlove

Was just my grandpas bday and first holidays without him. I never realized how much you truly loved me while you were on earth, even though  your actions were so loud. So loud you didn't tell me you were dying. You knew, you knew your shady ass kids would be heartless bastards and you simply wanted to protect me. I love you.

Its 3am i have cried for days with zero sleep.. I am fairly certain the loss of my Grandparent will damage me far more than a tragic upbringing.
They wouldnt give me back a thing, not ONE of hundreds of sentiments I gifted them.
Why Lord. why

It’s been 3 months since my Grandpa passed; yet losing my parents eats at me daily. I have come to accept the fact that I will sob for them until the day I join them in heaven. The feeling of uncontrollable abandonment is so overwhelming, I wish it upon no one. I look forward to the day I join my father, and my grandparents, the only people to love and accept me for the resilient woman I am.



There more I find out about my Grandparents children, whom I refuse to, call family makes me completely ill inside. Like sick to my stomach. SO I am deciding to write about it in hopes it will get the sadness out.



I will not use names to prevent any lawsuit threats from a psycho aunt.







Basically I was my grandparents 7th child, they always told me that and pretty much raised me. Unlike my cousins I did not have parents that worked or were responsible, so I guess you can say it happened by default. My grandma was the only one present the day I was born, and an unbreakable bond was instantly created. She loved me more than anything. She made me clothes, took care of me, and truly looked after me during several tragic events. I had a young, irresponsible, addicted mother, and my grandparents did not want to see my sister and I suffer. So yes they bailed her out so many times, and honestly it was hard for me to understand, even when I was young.



I lived with my Grandparents all of High School, because my mom went to prison the end of my eighth grade year. However I started working when I was 13 for a program for low income children. For some very strange reason my “relatives” were always jealous of my relationship with my grandparents. Funny, seeing most of them all help and take care of their adult children, but for some reason they always had a mean, ill attitude toward me. I guess they think I was just some spoiled princess, which is almost hilarious, because I have kept jobs longer than any of their children. I worked all of HS. My SSI from deceased father helped pay for my first car, and my grandparents also took some for food ect. I paid for my proms, yearbooks, asb, senior events ect ect….I got into SDSU from high school all on my own, with no help from family…. Because I had zero support system I failed, and my depression kicked, like a everything I went through as a child just has hit me full force. For some weird reason, because my Grandparents helped me in a few emergencies they think they fully supported me. This is no way the case. They would never allow me to go a day without working.



I spent more time with my grandparents, even as an adult more than ANY of my cousins. In fact most of my “relatives” constantly made fun of my Grandma for being frugal, using paper plates, and not being materialistic like them. I even begged my cousins to go visit them, and even with multiple vacations to the area, they always refused. I witnessed my Grandma in tears over her neglectful children my entire life, years would go by where they would never drive to visit, years with no mother’s day or birthday cards, I mean the list goes on. My Grandma was my best friend, and these people are very naive to the knowledge I obtain.



I know things about my Grandparents their children are oblivious too, and that’s why we had the bond we had.



I was the only grandchild to speak at my Grandmas funeral, I was devastated. Imagining losing both parents by age 32? My cousins were not even fazed; they paid no mind to my Grandparents because they weren’t rich. My Grandparents friends knew ME, I volunteered at the thrift store with them, I went to church with them and several other events in their communities. My grandparent’s friends didn’t know their children or my cousins.



I have 33 years of in disgusting information that I promised I would never open my mouth about while my grandparents were on this earth. I had enough respect for them.



The icing on the cake was my Grandfather passing, not ONE aunt/uncle called me to let me know he was on his death bed and knowing I have NO money not ONE of them offered to help me get to the funeral. This was their revenge on the relationship I had with them, the jealousy, resentment and bitterness is sickening. They know they were my parents and how close I was to them; I mean you have to have one sick cruel heart to not help someone to a funeral. The ONLY reason some cousins went is because they had already booked their vacation to socal, isn’t that sweet?



I have one psycho aunt in particular. Now this woman has made up lies about me, and everyone she is jealous of for years. She used to call me and yell and threaten me while in HS. I recently found out she threatened my sister that she would send her to an orphanage. She has sabotaged every relationship anyone has had because of pure insecurity and jealousy. She was nothing but a coked out high class whore. She lied to my Grandparents that she had cancer to scam them for thousands of dollars, yet has the nerve to give a eulogy? Ugh, it makes me vomit. I never have conversations with my “family/cousins” all they know about me is lies and rumors, and sadly they have not matured enough to know me on their own. Yet she has trashed all of them, it’s hilarious. She got mad I created a “go fund me” attempting to attend my Grandfathers funeral, nothing wrong with that I wrote a beautiful story and text it to everyone, as you do, totally the NORM. This psycho aunt will ruin any relationship she is not the center of.



This infuriated her because I included my pedophile “uncles” ex wife, who I was always close with and whom my grandparents both really liked. So she had this “uncle” who I NEVER talk to call me and bitch me out, the day my grandpa died. The kicker is she didn’t include that in text because once again the girl that cried wolf wanted to act like I went off on her for no reason, so she decided to have all her minions “my cousins” text me and harass me, as if they have ever talked to me!!! Lmao SO bad she started threatening me legally for no reason in writing which I saved, but also changed my number. She has bad mouthed each of these girls, how they don’t want a cousin at bosley, how the wedding that she harassed me to go to in Austin was terrible and ghetto as she put. Yet for some reasons she manipulates their brains so much they have the nerve to text me?!??! All I have done is sent them wedding gifts with no ill words. Period. She would truly win an Oscar if she could.



My other “aunt” tried to lecture me that I don’t deserve anything in their home, which is funny because I gave them so many of their knick knacks that the others made fun of. I even bought a special cross for my Grandma from Mexico that the evil aunt took…. How ironic eh? I hear cousins are wearing my grandma’s clothes yet they never got to know her, or spent zero time with her. They tried to talk shit when seeing my Grandpa helped me in the past, that just proves to YOU how much he LOVED ME. What’s funny, is this one aunt actually did not talk to my grandpa (her father) for years, because her grandma left her nothing in her will… wow how ironic? And she blamed my Grandpa for it. Such a joke and her kids have the nerve to talk ISH to me.







I gave it a while before I chose to vent, but when I hear from people that they fully raided my grandparents’ house, tried to tell my mother to leave when none of the other 5 kids were there to take care of my Grandma, it infuriates me. It’s sick. I have never come across such heathens, and hope I never see them ever again.



Karma is truly a bitch