Photo shoot II

If you are on my face book, you have seen these pictures. I just actually received the edits, and figured i would do a post.

I did this at the PinUps closet, they had another in store shoot with Girlie Show Photography.

I think every girl should do at least shoot in their life.The results are great, and make you feel so good about yourself.

When I feel particularly blah, I can look at these, and they totally life my mood. I realize how pretty I am.

One of my many dreams is to do some plus size modeling, with some modern pinup influence. I don't have the time to put all my effort into researching and pursuing the dream.

I have been putting time in to practicing on my hair and makeup, and looks. Ill never categorize myself or style into one arena, however these looks make me feel good.

Keesha is a pro at photo shop, no joke. Makeup by Candice and hair by Maria B

please like my page!!!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nikki-Covette-Pinup-gal/330487886990964

3 months

" Researchers have found that children who lose a parent need two conditions to continue to thrive: a stable surviving caregiver to meet their emotional and physical needs, and open and honest communication about the death and its impact on the family. Sheer psychical care isn't enough. The child who can express her sadness and who feels secure in her environment is the one most likely to integrate the loss and avoid serious ongoing distress."- Motherless Daughters

When I read that statement, it really hit me hard. My father died when I was six. Those conditions surely were not met, I ran to my Grandma when I could but she wasn't my full time caregiver. I cant remember anyone really talking to me about losing my father. I think everyone thought it was no big deal since we didn't live together. As I got older I asked questions, put some of the sad pieces together. On and off as an adult i have mourned the loss of my father. Its almost like I can never fully grieve it though. I am not sure why. Maybe because I was never around his family, or because there is this curiosity in me, of who he was or who he would have been in my life.

I try to plow through this book, and I simply can't. I am just not there yet, Its too sad for me, to read all these stories of loss.

The journey of losing my Grandmother is going to be a long one, and that is what it is. I cry often for her, its hard for me to go to the store, I can still picture her in her chair at home or working in the thrift store,.

I watched Tyler Perry's Speech for Whitney Houston, and it just made me cry, but it also reminded me how much my Grandma loved the Lord. How she dedicated her life to the church, and serving. Such a humble , sweet, generous loving soul. Each day in her sickness she lit her Saint Jude candle, read her prayer cards, had her church friends come read the bible with her, and while still coherent her priest came into her home to read her last rights.

My Grandma was ready to go home to the Lord when she passed.

I had a vision last night that My Grandma and Dad are together, and she told him how much i always loved and missed him.

Maybe its silly or maybe its true.

Enlightened

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Proverbs 27:6

"An insecure and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast ; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind"
-Buddha

I feel enlightened by these statements today, truly. I made my peace, I was the bigger, nice person. I will be mindful today and live in the now.

I am so grateful for the few intelligent, confident, honest people i have in my life. Those who see depth to a soul, those who know me and my heart of gold. I love these people, I loved my Grandma, and most importantly i love myself. I love my resilience, my strength, my generosity and compassion, my warm heart and my honest mouth. I love that I can get up on a block at my size, and dance half naked, even when I am surrounded by mean girls. How freaking awesome is that!!!

Always stay true Nicole, Always.

Mindfulness

This is something I read and discussed the other day.

Mindfulness is about keeping your awareness in the current moment most of the time. It is about being present and aware in your life today. Mindfulness would say the past is the past and the future isn't here yet.

What has happened in the past has already happened. It cant be changes. It is possible to learn from the past, reflect on the past, or just have a memory of the past.

since the future hasn't happened yet, there is no point in excessively worrying about what is to come. And yet, it is effective to plan and prepare for the future.

Being in the past and future mindfully or intentionally is optimal. If instead you live your life mindlessly in the past or future , you can miss out on really important things going on right now and end up regretting it later.

Mindfulness would say: If you are going to to spend time and energy focusing on the past and future; do it intentionally and with full awareness. However, spend most of your time in the present moment, in the here and now, in today. This allows you to fully experience your life as it happening, rather than what it was or what it might be.

Acne

Acne at 30, I seriously hope not. However, that's How I've started 2012 off! There are ups and downs with my skin, but when you are already insecure about your body, the last thing you need is shitty skin. I honestly have been dealing with serious cystic acne for about 14 years. Enough already! Prior to accutane i did all the other treatments, antibiotics, retinals, ect. In my 20's i did 2 rounds of accutane about 6 years apart. At this point I am kind of afraid to do it again. There is no long term research of the effects it can have on children born long after , even years after the mother has stopped. However in my endless search for a cure, this is all I have found that truly works. This isn't the cause of a girl not washing her face at night after wearing make up all day, or going to the gym and tanning with a face full of it. It unfortunately is very hereditary in my family.

Even being a fairly confident woman overall, If im not wearing make-up I will avoid looking at myself or anyone, much less a man, all day. In fact It takes force to get myself to walk into the cafeteria at work on those days. Days where I've worked 10 hours, and I cant sleep at night, and there just no time to put on my face.

I was desperate yesterday for some instant help for the evil living on my face, so I headed to my favorite Vietnamese skin care shop, in Little Saigon. She was nice, but the viet girls are brutally honest, they make me look like peaches and cream!

In her strong accent and broken English emphasizing how bad each acne was. Extractions with a needle so painful, i was ready to cry. "no pain no acne gone" she says. She even decided to show me the kleenex full of grossness shed removed from my face. Nice. You need to come every month! I know, ill try.

If you suffer from this, my heart goes out to you more then you know. I don't even know you, but when I see you on the street I want to cry and hug you. Someone loves you, whomever you may be...

I like this girl, and she does an amazing foundation routine!!!!

My Grandmas service.

Was on 12-02-2011, at the mission church on the Pala reservation . A tiny catholic church dating back to the 1800's. I think it turned out lovely. My aunt Kathleen put a lot of effort into it, and gave a wonderful eulogy. I was the only granddaughter that stood to say something, amongst my tears. I do wish more people would have come forward and shared their experiences, as we all have different ones with people.
I was very fortunate to have my dear friend Caroline take the day off work and drive with me there and drive me home. This was even more important as I had a few bourbon & 7's at the after gathering. My Grandmother asked for this drink the night before she died and never fulfilled the desire. My friend Jennifer also went out of her way to be there. This was really a big deal, I couldn't have done it without them. I mean, at the funeral my mom and sister sat separate from me. Nice huh?
Defiantly riding solo on that one. I'm really missing my grandma tonight, although I know I'll be mourning her for the rest if my life. Here is what I read and some photos.

Grandma,
You’ve always been my Angel, since the day I arrived with you by my side. A gift so great, only God could create. You showed me what unconditional love truly is. You loved me, forgave me, believed in my dreams and supported my desires. You embraced the task of taking care of me with an open heart. Your love is the only reason I am a strong confident woman today.
You were my best friend and the future is difficult to imagine without you. I will forever cherish our unique bond.
I wept for you as a little girl, and now as a grown woman will weep the same.
I love you Grandma.
Nicole Lynn

Let me tell you about....

I started this post on Sunday, November 20, 2011. My Grandmother died on Tuesday, November 22, 2011. She never saw it.

My FIRST tattoo!

It only took 30 years, that's rare in this part of the country. I've been thinking about tattoos a lot, for a while now. Initially I wanted my Fathers last name, as a first. I have my Mothers last name, ironically enough. My Dad's last name is Wilder. There are a few other things I know I want too, like "Lovely Lady" for my DMB love. Also a portrait piece of my Grandma.

However life is unexpected most the time, and with my sweet Gma's failing health, I thought this was most appropriate. I decided, I had to have it immediately. I am super impulsive once I have decided on something, if that makes any sense.

I have never had a strong pain tolerance, so i took some pain pills and and anxiety pill, and I was still freaking out. The guy was really chill though. I knew for a while i would go to one of the Low-rider locations, and probably the one white guy-with red hair did mine..