Who would have thought being bullied as an adult would surpass childhood bullying by a long shot. Certainly not me. Between my upbringing and harassment at school, I thought I did my time. Turns out I was wrong. Apparently if your survive all that, still function in today’s world, AND like yourself, well you are a walking bulls eye.
One day in high school, I came out to my car with the word HOG written all over it in paint. Done by my crush’s brother no less. That was painful. In junior high, stickers that said jaba the hut, and every other analogy for fat were made with a label maker and put on my backpack. On top of being fat I had buck teeth until the braces came in junior high ( thank you medical). It doesn’t stop there, in high school the cystic acne kicked in full blast. I’ve even done two rounds of accutane and still suffer from this. When appearance is imperative I had almost zero clothes. I looked horrible in junior high, I had a single mom who refused to work, and there were no plus size clothes options. I remember sitting in a cold bath in the morning, while everyone else was asleep, wondering what I would wear that day. I would baby-sit all the time, from about 5th grade until I could get a real job. With that money I would buy some clothes, but it was a nightmare. I had no one to teach me how to do hair or makeup, I really didn’t even start to do my hair till late high school. We moved all the time, so I never had that one loyal friend I could turn and cry to. I had no one to go home and cry to, and I far from had the mom that was going to march in the principals office and demand any harassment to stop. The bottom line I was bullied to an extreme, I am sure it contributed to my withdrawn attitude. However I feel like my home life was so much worse, that other kids comments didn’t affect me as much as they could have.
I wish I could tell you the same about the comments that surround my adult life. I never saw this coming. The feeling that people hate me, for simply being myself. I like who I am, the woman I know I am. Would I change a few things? Of course. It hurts, badly to know you’ve never done a mean or malicious thing to someone, but they find some way to dislike you and make rude comments. I can barely go out to a bar, It happens at work all the time, it happens with the females in my family. It feels like drowning at times. I’ve never been competitive with women, I can go out and befriend women that are way prettier, successful, nicer then me, with no problem. Maybe because I grew up around skinny women? Maybe because there was never a male figure in my life to look up, therefore I have no problem putting friends before a piece of ass.
How could Nicole, with the imperfect body, face, bank account, love life, childhood, ect walk with her head high?!?! People can’t stand it, that’s the only answer anymore. My therapist has confirmed the fact that my spirit and enthusiasm is a blessing and a curse. “people will always know you are there, and they will always have something to say”.-Dr. Walton.
In 2008 I was jumped at the bbw bar, I’ve been a regular at for about 9 years. Never met the girl in my life, didn’t do anything to her, didn’t flirt with her boyfriend, nothing. She simply started to push my friend and I, then a buzzed Nicole was blindsided in the bathroom. A couple weeks ago, I brought a skinny, pretty friend with me. She said “ Nicole, no wonder these girls hate you, you are prettier then any girl in here!!!!”. While that made me feel good, its still frustrating, I said yes but im nice to them!!!!!
At work I’ve heard it all. You are ugly, what did you do to your hair?, why are you wearing that, what’s with your nails, when is your baby due, maybe you should lose weight, your knee would get better, you really shouldn’t eat that piece of cake. Honestly I could probably keep going. How fun is that 40 hours a week? I pull into work, wondering what will be said next, or what will I do wrong.
The women I am related too, wow. Talk about a group of women with a ton of hate and resentment toward me. This is most interesting to me, because I didn’t grow up around them and have never had a deep conversation with my female cousins. They were all brainwashed by their parents, which is fine. I’ve tried several times, to be apart of their clique, to establish relationships with them, so when I leave this earth I know I did my part.
So if you were bullied, or currently are, I feel your pain. Truly and deeply. I wish I was at a place to tell you it will stop and you will rise above it, but I am not. I believe I will, but it will do some damage in the mean time, and its something else I deal with in therapy. I hope and pray one day, women will love and support each other, in a whole new way, in my lifetime.
Oh Nicole! I wish I could give you a hug right now. I can relate to the bullying regarding looks...especially in regards to family. While discussing spirituality (of all things), I've had an aunt interrupt and say, "I know you take care of yourself spiritually, but what about physically?" Another female family member, "If you lost weight you'd be able to see your knees." And yet another, "You're not going to live long because you're fat." And I've already shared with you a few of the things I've heard from a certain man in my life. My biggest struggle through all of the comments is not to let it get into my head. I don't want those playing on my mental tape. Of course, that is not so easy to do. I really try to surround myself with supportive people and if I am going around negative people I visualize surrounding myself with a white protective light first. It sounds crazy, but it has really worked for me. It keeps their poison out. Until you are able to work in a place with kinder people, I'd give it a try. Now, coming from a female who knows you: you are beautiful. you are strong. you are phenomenal. And with that, here is one of my favorites by Maya Angelou, Phenomenal Woman:
ReplyDeletePretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
That poem is so fitting, thank you Briana. I am sorry you have to hear people state the obvious about weight, so lame. At least weight CAN be changed, while an evil spirit is a little harder.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo