Yesterday

(11/12/11)

I had a presentation at work, it was about a product we offer. It was in front of several members of upper management. It was intended to be a team project, but it was something I mostly worked on. I put so much effort,heart and soul into it. I was really nervous about talking in front of these people solo, but it turned out really great.

right before this i received a text saying the Dr. advised my Grandpa, that My Grandma doesn't have long, and hospice will come. Do you know how hard this presentation was? I think on Friday I literally cried for 10 hours straight.

Every time I see her, she looks more ill then the last, it kills me. I sat next her, sobbing. Not knowing, if she was comprehending my words or not.

I told her several things, that I knew I'd regret if I didn't. I feel like there will always be some degree of regret with loss, any kind of loss. However you can do your best to eliminate what your aware of in the present.

It made her cry, when I told her about how she is the only reason I am alive and well today. She is my life, my love, the best woman Ill ever know. How she loves me and forgives me, believes in me, and how I am fearful I'll never find that again. I reminded her that she was in the delivery room when I was born, just her and my mom. She loved my dark hair, she loved telling me about how i walked up her steps on teal avenue. I said everything on my mind and heart.

I don't care how often people tell me about the circle of life and how much shes lived, she isn't ready to die. My Grandpa isn't ready to lose her. At 30 years old, I am just not prepared to give up the love of my life.

I told her I would tell my kids about her, and how she loved me, how I am going to get her picture tattooed on me.

Hospice is now helping my Grandpa out, and its bittersweet. He needed the help, badly. Hospice also means you will die soon.

I pray he will call me as soon as he knows the time has come.

My Grandma is still alive, and I am a complete mess. All kinds of weird things are happening to me physically. Its very hard for me to be at work. Every time someone asks me anything about her, i cry. I feared this time, my whole life.

I guess there are some various stages of dealing with loss, as well. I've been abandon so many times in my life, that this feels similar. It has brought on some anger. Angry that a couple people who i thought were friends, people who have even known my Grandma for years, have not even had the decency to pick up the phone. No "hey Nicole how are you, are you okay, would you like a drink, a dance, coffee, movie..." people I have been generous to, when I could less then afford it. I know I am far from perfect, but I really do try. Yes my honesty ruins it for me often. My mind just does not grasp this, because I would never treat someone this way if i was aware. When it comes to something serious, the internet and facebook, they really don't count as means of connecting, in fact I think its bullshit.

I'm just grateful I have my babies to come home to.

Celebrate love while its here