I have some dreams..

This is a comment I just posted on my friends blog. I liked her post, and couldn't agree more.


I dream of initiating a true movement. One where women of all shapes, sizes, styles, and back grounds TRULY support and motivate each other. A world, where women could trust each other, rely and RESPECT one another. Kind of like the friendship the girls have on Sex in the City.

However even if you aren't friends,because we don't all mesh, stop hating on one another, stop being bullies, beating people up, dropping friends for men. Truly learn to love yourself. A world where women really encourage and seek self respect. A world in which big girls do NOT have to settle, for men, marriages, jobs, friends, hobbies, ect.
A world that can see a thick girl as a "trophy wife" and not just a blonde size 2.

This is what I dream of, and hope to accomplish, even in the smallest form.

I have also been bullied, to the extreme my entire life. I can honestly say its gotten out of hand in the last few years. Its like the more I start to love and accept who I am, the more other people hate me. It doesn't matter what I do. Insecure girls (which sadly is a majority) absolutely cannot stand that i can actually be real, and myself, and still love myself.

I have really bad days, Saturday night was one of them. I felt so discouraged and depressed about my appearance, after I got up in front of people and danced all night. Ridiculous.
I hate how other people get to me, and that I am so sensitive. Its me though, and I have to learn to accept it.

I've experienced the meanest girls, and lamest men in an environment that is supposed to be "size accepting". It's sad, I wish all those women empowered each other, instead of being mean and competitive Imagine the things that could be accomplished?

This is a long rant, my apologies. Samantha with age you will truly become the woman you were intended, you will love yourself more, and with that there will be more haters. So stay strong and have a good therapist.

xoxo
Nicole

follow her at
http://curvyandconfident.blogspot.com/

What happened to chivalry?

Someone please, tell me!
I feel like this is completely lost in California. Is this an issue in every part of the country??
Yes, there are many women in southern California looking for a sugar daddy, and that is ok, if you are honest with your intentions. This area is saturated with beautiful women, and plenty of wealthy men that pay the price to have one on their arm.
Has this screwed us normal girls? Plus size girls? Why can't a  plus size girl be considered a trophy wife in this delusional culture anyway??

I have talked to a lot of men, I mean  A LOT of men. Some assume you need someone to take care of you, some think dates should be 50/50 from the start, and some are down right so broke they are worried about a cover charge at a bar. These are men thirty and older.
It's pathetic.

Of  course when I talk to a generation ahead of me , like my aunt, a woman making six figures who knows every detail of etiquette, she agrees with me.

No a man has never paid my bills, or for any part of my personal needs, or lavished me with any gifts. I have a job, and have my entire life been very independent. I have a car, gas money, and don't live at home, thanks.
I do think a man should at least pay for the first few dates in the beginning of dating, If we met online, yes  I will meet you half way, but you should be able to buy me a coffee or a drink, If you want to meet me, and you are worried about a cover charge then you surely cant buy dinner or drinks at any point.
If you are that broke/cheap its not going to work anyway, because how in the hell do you expect to afford marriage or children.
I am seeking someone ambitious, not living pay check to pay check. You set the standard from the beginning.
As my aunt says, I am letting you inside my body, I can have your child, if you are sleeping with me or planning on it, yes you need to get the tab.

I  am a very generous person, I will buy gifts, dates, drinks, ect once I know a man isn't a typical douche bag. I am always very straight forward in what I am looking for in someone.
It is OK to be feminine, it is OK for a man to court you. Just because you are plus size or not a beauty queen, DO NOT ever settle!!!! Stay true to what you believe in and what you know you deserve. You don't have to settle for broke, unattractive, addictions, unambitious, just because you aren't societies trophy wife.
I would rather be alone than settle, because at some point, even if years later the unhappiness and resentment will surface.
 Shame on you who say i'll be alone or am being judgmental, because I have standards. Maybe those people should consider theirs.

Photo shoot II

If you are on my face book, you have seen these pictures. I just actually received the edits, and figured i would do a post.

I did this at the PinUps closet, they had another in store shoot with Girlie Show Photography.

I think every girl should do at least shoot in their life.The results are great, and make you feel so good about yourself.

When I feel particularly blah, I can look at these, and they totally life my mood. I realize how pretty I am.

One of my many dreams is to do some plus size modeling, with some modern pinup influence. I don't have the time to put all my effort into researching and pursuing the dream.

I have been putting time in to practicing on my hair and makeup, and looks. Ill never categorize myself or style into one arena, however these looks make me feel good.

Keesha is a pro at photo shop, no joke. Makeup by Candice and hair by Maria B

please like my page!!!

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Nikki-Covette-Pinup-gal/330487886990964

3 months

" Researchers have found that children who lose a parent need two conditions to continue to thrive: a stable surviving caregiver to meet their emotional and physical needs, and open and honest communication about the death and its impact on the family. Sheer psychical care isn't enough. The child who can express her sadness and who feels secure in her environment is the one most likely to integrate the loss and avoid serious ongoing distress."- Motherless Daughters

When I read that statement, it really hit me hard. My father died when I was six. Those conditions surely were not met, I ran to my Grandma when I could but she wasn't my full time caregiver. I cant remember anyone really talking to me about losing my father. I think everyone thought it was no big deal since we didn't live together. As I got older I asked questions, put some of the sad pieces together. On and off as an adult i have mourned the loss of my father. Its almost like I can never fully grieve it though. I am not sure why. Maybe because I was never around his family, or because there is this curiosity in me, of who he was or who he would have been in my life.

I try to plow through this book, and I simply can't. I am just not there yet, Its too sad for me, to read all these stories of loss.

The journey of losing my Grandmother is going to be a long one, and that is what it is. I cry often for her, its hard for me to go to the store, I can still picture her in her chair at home or working in the thrift store,.

I watched Tyler Perry's Speech for Whitney Houston, and it just made me cry, but it also reminded me how much my Grandma loved the Lord. How she dedicated her life to the church, and serving. Such a humble , sweet, generous loving soul. Each day in her sickness she lit her Saint Jude candle, read her prayer cards, had her church friends come read the bible with her, and while still coherent her priest came into her home to read her last rights.

My Grandma was ready to go home to the Lord when she passed.

I had a vision last night that My Grandma and Dad are together, and she told him how much i always loved and missed him.

Maybe its silly or maybe its true.

Enlightened

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Proverbs 27:6

"An insecure and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast ; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind"
-Buddha

I feel enlightened by these statements today, truly. I made my peace, I was the bigger, nice person. I will be mindful today and live in the now.

I am so grateful for the few intelligent, confident, honest people i have in my life. Those who see depth to a soul, those who know me and my heart of gold. I love these people, I loved my Grandma, and most importantly i love myself. I love my resilience, my strength, my generosity and compassion, my warm heart and my honest mouth. I love that I can get up on a block at my size, and dance half naked, even when I am surrounded by mean girls. How freaking awesome is that!!!

Always stay true Nicole, Always.

Mindfulness

This is something I read and discussed the other day.

Mindfulness is about keeping your awareness in the current moment most of the time. It is about being present and aware in your life today. Mindfulness would say the past is the past and the future isn't here yet.

What has happened in the past has already happened. It cant be changes. It is possible to learn from the past, reflect on the past, or just have a memory of the past.

since the future hasn't happened yet, there is no point in excessively worrying about what is to come. And yet, it is effective to plan and prepare for the future.

Being in the past and future mindfully or intentionally is optimal. If instead you live your life mindlessly in the past or future , you can miss out on really important things going on right now and end up regretting it later.

Mindfulness would say: If you are going to to spend time and energy focusing on the past and future; do it intentionally and with full awareness. However, spend most of your time in the present moment, in the here and now, in today. This allows you to fully experience your life as it happening, rather than what it was or what it might be.

Acne

Acne at 30, I seriously hope not. However, that's How I've started 2012 off! There are ups and downs with my skin, but when you are already insecure about your body, the last thing you need is shitty skin. I honestly have been dealing with serious cystic acne for about 14 years. Enough already! Prior to accutane i did all the other treatments, antibiotics, retinals, ect. In my 20's i did 2 rounds of accutane about 6 years apart. At this point I am kind of afraid to do it again. There is no long term research of the effects it can have on children born long after , even years after the mother has stopped. However in my endless search for a cure, this is all I have found that truly works. This isn't the cause of a girl not washing her face at night after wearing make up all day, or going to the gym and tanning with a face full of it. It unfortunately is very hereditary in my family.

Even being a fairly confident woman overall, If im not wearing make-up I will avoid looking at myself or anyone, much less a man, all day. In fact It takes force to get myself to walk into the cafeteria at work on those days. Days where I've worked 10 hours, and I cant sleep at night, and there just no time to put on my face.

I was desperate yesterday for some instant help for the evil living on my face, so I headed to my favorite Vietnamese skin care shop, in Little Saigon. She was nice, but the viet girls are brutally honest, they make me look like peaches and cream!

In her strong accent and broken English emphasizing how bad each acne was. Extractions with a needle so painful, i was ready to cry. "no pain no acne gone" she says. She even decided to show me the kleenex full of grossness shed removed from my face. Nice. You need to come every month! I know, ill try.

If you suffer from this, my heart goes out to you more then you know. I don't even know you, but when I see you on the street I want to cry and hug you. Someone loves you, whomever you may be...

I like this girl, and she does an amazing foundation routine!!!!