Monday, December 22, 2014

Lord, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa; Please hear my prayer and get me through these next few lonely days

Psalm 88[a]

Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.
I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
    my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

I will buy you a new life

The Video below is totally worth your time into couple moments and it's a spoken word and it is something that I wish I had the nerve to do because with this girl says it is exactly my thoughts feelings emotions to the point exactly the same.

#widn- if a #rant bugs you move along instead of judging because you are perfect 💁 I am coloring because its 8:30 am my time and i have been up 4 days. Cleaning my ass off- cleaning rat shit inside, the entire kitchen, went to some ghetto ass clinic called #metrocare where they base on your income and do not carry most medications that are  imperative to my health not even Lyrica not an anxiety medication nothing for #fibromyalgia or neaurapothy (sp) yet its still a 30 co pay. My past dr gave me hyrdro for the broke foot thats not putting me to sleep and I'm convinced that the Ambien they gave me is a placebo because that's done nothing at all. I got a letter today declining my federal disability I applied for that though other agencies and doctors do consider me disabled i don't me SSI disability qualifications so I cried for about four hours still did not fall asleep have no family to talk to about it at all no mom that even cares or even knows what's wrong with me. Yet you can wake up at #Methodist Hospital in North Oak Cliff not know how you got there told you were wondering around Dallas alone with nothing with you and that's not a disability interesting. For the first time in my life in Texas I lost 2 jobs because my health mentally and physically its so so severe, and I have worked and paid Social Security since I was 13 and they use that against you as a solid work history and it being educated. This week I also got a parking ticket for $45 downtown, I had a major court issue, I got a drive through car wash stuck on my car the left side of my back fender ripped off because I have a scion. Got into a "dispute" with  a roommate that I will not look at and will NOT look @this busted #basicbitch who he is "dating" A.k.a. using for a ride to work and back because he has no car and he has no money so she makes him food,  so she's not attractive MEN will NOT use me, very awkward and he is the typical ex military womanizer douche bag which is a huge regret so that has made me cry for days as well. Planned church but i cant with sever #insomnia #longassblog #alone #scared #desperate #shattered #lost #welcometotexas #youarejustnegitive #wh#whatsunconditionlove

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Was just my grandpas bday and first holidays without him. I never realized how much you truly loved me while you were on earth, even though  your actions were so loud. So loud you didn't tell me you were dying. You knew, you knew your shady ass kids would be heartless bastards and you simply wanted to protect me. I love you.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Its 3am i have cried for days with zero sleep.. I am fairly certain the loss of my Grandparent will damage me far more than a tragic upbringing.
They wouldnt give me back a thing, not ONE of hundreds of sentiments I gifted them.
Why Lord. why

Friday, September 26, 2014

It’s been 3 months since my Grandpa passed; yet losing my parents eats at me daily. I have come to accept the fact that I will sob for them until the day I join them in heaven. The feeling of uncontrollable abandonment is so overwhelming, I wish it upon no one. I look forward to the day I join my father, and my grandparents, the only people to love and accept me for the resilient woman I am.

There more I find out about my Grandparents children, whom I refuse to, call family makes me completely ill inside. Like sick to my stomach. SO I am deciding to write about it in hopes it will get the sadness out.

I will not use names to prevent any lawsuit threats from a psycho aunt.

Basically I was my grandparents 7th child, they always told me that and pretty much raised me. Unlike my cousins I did not have parents that worked or were responsible, so I guess you can say it happened by default. My grandma was the only one present the day I was born, and an unbreakable bond was instantly created. She loved me more than anything. She made me clothes, took care of me, and truly looked after me during several tragic events. I had a young, irresponsible, addicted mother, and my grandparents did not want to see my sister and I suffer. So yes they bailed her out so many times, and honestly it was hard for me to understand, even when I was young.

I lived with my Grandparents all of High School, because my mom went to prison the end of my eighth grade year. However I started working when I was 13 for a program for low income children. For some very strange reason my “relatives” were always jealous of my relationship with my grandparents. Funny, seeing most of them all help and take care of their adult children, but for some reason they always had a mean, ill attitude toward me. I guess they think I was just some spoiled princess, which is almost hilarious, because I have kept jobs longer than any of their children. I worked all of HS. My SSI from deceased father helped pay for my first car, and my grandparents also took some for food ect. I paid for my proms, yearbooks, asb, senior events ect ect….I got into SDSU from high school all on my own, with no help from family…. Because I had zero support system I failed, and my depression kicked, like a everything I went through as a child just has hit me full force. For some weird reason, because my Grandparents helped me in a few emergencies they think they fully supported me. This is no way the case. They would never allow me to go a day without working.

I spent more time with my grandparents, even as an adult more than ANY of my cousins. In fact most of my “relatives” constantly made fun of my Grandma for being frugal, using paper plates, and not being materialistic like them. I even begged my cousins to go visit them, and even with multiple vacations to the area, they always refused. I witnessed my Grandma in tears over her neglectful children my entire life, years would go by where they would never drive to visit, years with no mother’s day or birthday cards, I mean the list goes on. My Grandma was my best friend, and these people are very naive to the knowledge I obtain.

I know things about my Grandparents their children are oblivious too, and that’s why we had the bond we had.

I was the only grandchild to speak at my Grandmas funeral, I was devastated. Imagining losing both parents by age 32? My cousins were not even fazed; they paid no mind to my Grandparents because they weren’t rich. My Grandparents friends knew ME, I volunteered at the thrift store with them, I went to church with them and several other events in their communities. My grandparent’s friends didn’t know their children or my cousins.

I have 33 years of in disgusting information that I promised I would never open my mouth about while my grandparents were on this earth. I had enough respect for them.

The icing on the cake was my Grandfather passing, not ONE aunt/uncle called me to let me know he was on his death bed and knowing I have NO money not ONE of them offered to help me get to the funeral. This was their revenge on the relationship I had with them, the jealousy, resentment and bitterness is sickening. They know they were my parents and how close I was to them; I mean you have to have one sick cruel heart to not help someone to a funeral. The ONLY reason some cousins went is because they had already booked their vacation to socal, isn’t that sweet?

I have one psycho aunt in particular. Now this woman has made up lies about me, and everyone she is jealous of for years. She used to call me and yell and threaten me while in HS. I recently found out she threatened my sister that she would send her to an orphanage. She has sabotaged every relationship anyone has had because of pure insecurity and jealousy. She was nothing but a coked out high class whore. She lied to my Grandparents that she had cancer to scam them for thousands of dollars, yet has the nerve to give a eulogy? Ugh, it makes me vomit. I never have conversations with my “family/cousins” all they know about me is lies and rumors, and sadly they have not matured enough to know me on their own. Yet she has trashed all of them, it’s hilarious. She got mad I created a “go fund me” attempting to attend my Grandfathers funeral, nothing wrong with that I wrote a beautiful story and text it to everyone, as you do, totally the NORM. This psycho aunt will ruin any relationship she is not the center of.

This infuriated her because I included my pedophile “uncles” ex wife, who I was always close with and whom my grandparents both really liked. So she had this “uncle” who I NEVER talk to call me and bitch me out, the day my grandpa died. The kicker is she didn’t include that in text because once again the girl that cried wolf wanted to act like I went off on her for no reason, so she decided to have all her minions “my cousins” text me and harass me, as if they have ever talked to me!!! Lmao SO bad she started threatening me legally for no reason in writing which I saved, but also changed my number. She has bad mouthed each of these girls, how they don’t want a cousin at bosley, how the wedding that she harassed me to go to in Austin was terrible and ghetto as she put. Yet for some reasons she manipulates their brains so much they have the nerve to text me?!??! All I have done is sent them wedding gifts with no ill words. Period. She would truly win an Oscar if she could.

My other “aunt” tried to lecture me that I don’t deserve anything in their home, which is funny because I gave them so many of their knick knacks that the others made fun of. I even bought a special cross for my Grandma from Mexico that the evil aunt took…. How ironic eh? I hear cousins are wearing my grandma’s clothes yet they never got to know her, or spent zero time with her. They tried to talk shit when seeing my Grandpa helped me in the past, that just proves to YOU how much he LOVED ME. What’s funny, is this one aunt actually did not talk to my grandpa (her father) for years, because her grandma left her nothing in her will… wow how ironic? And she blamed my Grandpa for it. Such a joke and her kids have the nerve to talk ISH to me.

I gave it a while before I chose to vent, but when I hear from people that they fully raided my grandparents’ house, tried to tell my mother to leave when none of the other 5 kids were there to take care of my Grandma, it infuriates me. It’s sick. I have never come across such heathens, and hope I never see them ever again.

Karma is truly a bitch