Thursday, September 24, 2015

Daughters Day

Did you know there is a daughters day.
I would never get the words i deserve from my mother, but i am going to write a letter to me as if it were from her.

Dear Nicole,
HAPPY DAUGHTERS DAY, to a wonderful soul....a kind, generous, resilient,  strong, thoughtful, independent woman. My first beautiful baby girl, Grandma was the only one to witness your birth, and she couldn't get over how pretty you and your dark hair were.

You were a surprise, i wast too young for a baby, and not ready to stop my partying lifestyle. That is when you and Grandma's bond first started.

There are a lot of things I allowed to occur to you, that have damaged your mental health forever. I can never make up for those things. I was, and stupid, and honestly had no clue what i was doing as a mother. I loved my baby regardless.

I have never sat down and looked you in the eye and apologized for all the many things i put you through, if so maybe we can one day move forward and have a relationship. I am sorry I made you work from such a young age as i did speed and slept with various men, I am sorry I went to prison, I am sorry i never created a sisterly bond between you and stephanie the way I should have , rather than turn her against you....I am sorry for leaving you by the way side while she was my priority and all i ever cared about.  I am sorry for the neglect , and all the nights alone you endured. Much less the bullying and abuse from steve.

If i could erase all that i would. You are a walking imagine of your father and i know if he were here he would be very proud of you, the fact you are still alive after what you have endured is a miracle; A miracle from GOD he has a plan for you, or i would have stayed at that table at planned parent hood instead of leaving.
I am sorry i created no saving account for you from your ssi, instead i refused to work for whatever reason.  I know that would be all you would have of your dad, and I know he hates to see you struggle from above, I know it kill his giving heart.

I hope one day I have the courage to really say these things, so we can finally clear the air and hopefully move forward.

written by Nicole Lynn Wilder-Cramer

Sunday, September 20, 2015


Last weekend was Grandparents day. Due to my shitty relatives I did not attend my Grandpa-aka Fathers' funeral. This was the second time I had gone. It was nice and emotional. The view is amazing, it is right on the water at point loma!

I tried to see my mother who feels she owes me nothing, while my gross aunt is trying to get her to spend her inheritance on a face lift. um how about a home? How about the money they got when their Grandma died, yet they talk so much  shit. I decided after today, a long letter will be written to my biological mother and I want nothing to due with not once person in their family I don't care if it is a death or a birth, I will not have it. I have done my part all of my life and get shit on.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

God works in mysterious ways

Gosh I am so sick to my stomach right now.
I finally escaped Texas,  THANK GOD, sadly it was a result of domestic violence, i got punched in the mouth and my 3 front teeth are loose and i had to move back in place. It was so painful. Of course  the thing i love about myself the most, someone goes after. lucky I had friends NOT family to help me with gas to get back, and a friend to stay with the last month, and friends to help get rooms. Also found a job with in two weeks, which probably makes the sick nasty relatives bitter.

What makes me bitter?
My shady ass relatives, most of which couldn't stand my Grandparents or her paper plates, are more than willing to spend their money, funny enough they won't tell anyone how much it is. WHY? if you have nothing to be ashamed of, if you are honest, if you know you did right by them, why is it such a big secret?
My Grandma never wanted money to go to her kids, she always told me they don't need it, it should go to the grandkids. Just like she wanted to be buried not cremated. However she always went along with my Grandpa, and he simply didn't care anymore. He gave up on life.

Nothing makes me more sick, then back stabbing people more than willing to spend their money, yet they raised me and i didn't even get to attend the funeral. Selfish much? yet ALL i got was a stack of cards they saved from me since a child, but no they didn't love me like their own. Pathetic.
Man I can't stand these people, I hope to never see them again. they literally make my stomach turn.

The fake ass funerals, yet I was the only Granddaughter to speak at my Grandmas funeral. however, treated like chopped liver when my father died. Jealous bastards. They couldn't wait for revenge.  Fake fake fake bullshit, hate me because I am honest, thats the best.