Tuesday, December 6, 2011

My Grandmas service.

Was on 12-02-2011, at the mission church on the Pala reservation . A tiny catholic church dating back to the 1800's. I think it turned out lovely. My aunt Kathleen put a lot of effort into it, and gave a wonderful eulogy. I was the only granddaughter that stood to say something, amongst my tears. I do wish more people would have come forward and shared their experiences, as we all have different ones with people.
I was very fortunate to have my dear friend Caroline take the day off work and drive with me there and drive me home. This was even more important as I had a few bourbon & 7's at the after gathering. My Grandmother asked for this drink the night before she died and never fulfilled the desire. My friend Jennifer also went out of her way to be there. This was really a big deal, I couldn't have done it without them. I mean, at the funeral my mom and sister sat separate from me. Nice huh?
Defiantly riding solo on that one. I'm really missing my grandma tonight, although I know I'll be mourning her for the rest if my life. Here is what I read and some photos.

You’ve always been my Angel, since the day I arrived with you by my side. A gift so great, only God could create. You showed me what unconditional love truly is. You loved me, forgave me, believed in my dreams and supported my desires. You embraced the task of taking care of me with an open heart. Your love is the only reason I am a strong confident woman today.
You were my best friend and the future is difficult to imagine without you. I will forever cherish our unique bond.
I wept for you as a little girl, and now as a grown woman will weep the same.
I love you Grandma.
Nicole Lynn

Monday, November 21, 2011

Let me tell you about....

I started this post on Sunday, November 20, 2011. My Grandmother died on Tuesday, November 22, 2011. She never saw it.

My FIRST tattoo!
It only took 30 years, that's rare in this part of the country. I've been thinking about tattoos a lot, for a while now. Initially I wanted my Fathers last name, as a first. I have my Mothers last name, ironically enough. My Dad's last name is Wilder. There are a few other things I know I want too, like "Lovely Lady" for my DMB love. Also a portrait piece of my Grandma.
However life is unexpected most the time, and with my sweet Gma's failing health, I thought this was most appropriate. I decided, I had to have it immediately. I am super impulsive once I have decided on something, if that makes any sense.
I have never had a strong pain tolerance, so i took some pain pills and and anxiety pill, and I was still freaking out. The guy was really chill though. I knew for a while i would go to one of the Low-rider locations, and probably the one white guy-with red hair did mine..

Saturday, November 12, 2011


I had a presentation at work, it was about a product we offer. It was in front of several members of upper management. It was intended to be a team project, but it was something I mostly worked on. I put so much effort,heart and soul into it. I was really nervous about talking in front of these people solo, but it turned out really great.
right before this i received a text saying the Dr. advised my Grandpa, that My Grandma doesn't have long, and hospice will come. Do you know how hard this presentation was? I think on Friday I literally cried for 10 hours straight.
Every time I see her, she looks more ill then the last, it kills me. I sat next her, sobbing. Not knowing, if she was comprehending my words or not.
I told her several things, that I knew I'd regret if I didn't. I feel like there will always be some degree of regret with loss, any kind of loss. However you can do your best to eliminate what your aware of in the present.
It made her cry, when I told her about how she is the only reason I am alive and well today. She is my life, my love, the best woman Ill ever know. How she loves me and forgives me, believes in me, and how I am fearful I'll never find that again. I reminded her that she was in the delivery room when I was born, just her and my mom. She loved my dark hair, she loved telling me about how i walked up her steps on teal avenue. I said everything on my mind and heart.
I don't care how often people tell me about the circle of life and how much shes lived, she isn't ready to die. My Grandpa isn't ready to lose her. At 30 years old, I am just not prepared to give up the love of my life.
I told her I would tell my kids about her, and how she loved me, how I am going to get her picture tattooed on me.
Hospice is now helping my Grandpa out, and its bittersweet. He needed the help, badly. Hospice also means you will die soon.
I pray he will call me as soon as he knows the time has come.
My Grandma is still alive, and I am a complete mess. All kinds of weird things are happening to me physically. Its very hard for me to be at work. Every time someone asks me anything about her, i cry. I feared this time, my whole life.
I guess there are some various stages of dealing with loss, as well. I've been abandon so many times in my life, that this feels similar. It has brought on some anger. Angry that a couple people who i thought were friends, people who have even known my Grandma for years, have not even had the decency to pick up the phone. No "hey Nicole how are you, are you okay, would you like a drink, a dance, coffee, movie..." people I have been generous to, when I could less then afford it. I know I am far from perfect, but I really do try. Yes my honesty ruins it for me often. My mind just does not grasp this, because I would never treat someone this way if i was aware. When it comes to something serious, the internet and facebook, they really don't count as means of connecting, in fact I think its bullshit.
I'm just grateful I have my babies to come home to.
Celebrate love while its here

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Bitches be crazy'

No really, really, they are.
I am so glad I don't deal with many any more, I truly am. I had recently added someone to facebook, who really I knew from an ex friend. We were never really friends, and I added her out of warmth, and wanting to congratulate her. Nothing malicious, just nice and simple. Well unknown to me, she apparently knows me, my character and personalty more then anyone. Although I haven't even seen her in like years. Funny. Whats even better, her rant on my "hater" comment, is another perfect example of what hater females are. The girl we knew each other through did nothing but bash this woman, 24-7, yet they are still "friends", yet i should be learning a lesson. Wow. I swear, insecure women, just trip me out, and the mean insecure girls, who really hate themselves can continue to have themselves. I will leave this earth being hated for who i am before i leave being loved who I am not.
People who truly love who they are, get and love me, and that is very few in this world, but its enough for me.

Thanks Queen desperate for confirming bitches be hatin' and nothing has changed :)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Super Mom Super Friend

This may sound cheesy or silly to some, but I simply feel the need to spotlight my friend Kristin.

I miss my friend terribly, whom I haven't even seen in about 10 years, and her adorable baby who I haven't even met!
There is a lot i truly admire about this woman, from her honesty, how well rounded she is, the mom she is, and most importantly the friend she is to me. We see eye to eye on a lot of things. I guess this subject is so important for me, because I have a low tolerance for people, and surface friends. I am generous, loyal, honest to a fault, and will love you. However after you use me, and are selfish for so long, I simply am done.
The awesome thing about Mr and Mrs. George is they actually are happy, they truly like themselves and their lives, because of this, they really appreciate me and the things I have to offer.

Kristin, thank you for inspiring me to be a better person, and listening. I love you .

"Friendship is when people know all about you, but like you anyway".

Monday, October 24, 2011

Happy Birthday Drake

Can you believe Drake just turned 25? Wow. I can't imagine already have living so much by that age. The money, lifestyle, women, its just insane . I love him, and his real name Aubrey Drake Graham.
He went from making just 8 million dollars in 2009 to 115 million in 2011, per Forbes. All I can say is, get it Drizzy.
I cannot wait for his new album which comes out on November 15, and I will purchase immediately. There are already 3 brilliant tracks released . Marvins room, Make me proud (Ft. Nicki Minaj), and Headlines. Drake and I share a love for strippers, ciroc, a good club, and Nicki. Most of all I feel like him singing this song. Only I am a female. This song, just feels extremely familiar to my life right now. I truly hope I get to see him and the rest of Young Money live one day. That would be a dream come true.

Bitches in my old phone
I should call one and go home
I’ve been in this club too long
The woman that I would try
Is happy with a good guy

But I’ve been drinking so much
That I’ma call her anyway and say
“F-ck that nigga that you love so bad
I know you still think about the times we had”
I say “f-ck that nigga that you think you found
And since you picked up I know he’s not around

Are you drunk right now?

I'm just saying you could do better,
and ill start hating only if you make me'

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Mascara Review

So cover girl lash blast, in the orange tube was my favorite for a while. I recently tried L'oreal million lashes, in the gold tube, however. That stuff is awesome!! Highly recommend. It has the same type of applicator, a hard rubber. So its sturdy when you apply. You actually should apply several coats, because of the formula, you need to wait about 30 seconds between each coat. I loved this so much, I wanted to try the volume based edition, in the black tube. That was horrible. The applicator isn't the same, the formula sucks and is super flaky.
So Voluminous Million Lashes wins, and you should go try it, asap.


Do not buy this one:


hes Mascara

L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes Mascara

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


I got dinner from the Mexi-Casa tonight, in Anaheim. My father and his family came here when he was growing up, that is how long its been in the same spot. The inside is the same, the prices haven't changed much, and I think its super. It amazes me, that I was not raised by my father whatsoever, yet I am very much his daughter. It also makes me very sad.

I've been hiding in my cave the last few days, and this was the first time I left. This is a low, and shaking it seems to be hard. Since Sunday, I've been really sad about my Grandma. I can't talk to her without crying. I just tell her i love her over and over. Really she could die any day. I honestly have no clue. I try to tell her shes my angel, she's the only reason I am alive, she is my reason for living. and I cant even get the words out of my mouth.

I miss my dog Coco. My mom took him the last time i moved, last week. The lady here already has 4 dogs. I smuggled Patsy in as it is. I couldn't bring 3 dogs with me. So now Im sad and guilty, and want my Co co bears.

I hope I feel better, that is all.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Soul Sistah

I think I found her! My thick, pointy nail wearing, retro loving gal. Of course she is gorgeous with an amazing voice. I've been listening to her videos and interviews, in tears and awe. Adele, I love you, and am now convinced we are long lost sisters. She feels like an old soul to me, I can't believe she is so young.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head

In this video she said one day she would re live is the day her grandpa was dying. I seriously just cried.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Happy Birthday to my angel

My Grandma, My Angel
I am trying to get ready for work right now, but i have tears in my eyes. I called my Gma at 7, to say Happy Bday. Gpa says shes still in bed. What? why? I say, since when? My grandma has always been the first one up, my whole life, usually around 6 at the latest. He says "well, for a while now". On Sunday I wanted to go see her, to take her to the movies, but she wasn't feeling well then either.
Its happening, faster then Im ready for. I don't want it to. I need my Grandma, more then life.

I wish i could skip work right now and just go see her.

Ill continue to pray, pray to delay the inevitable.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Kawaii Nails

My obsession with Asian culture continues. These nails are a complete norm in Japan, and I am obsessed. I really wanted to get these done for my birthday, but now that i have no real nails on three fingers, ill have to wait. I've searched online, and reviews and the best place in my area to get these is atlas studio, in costa mesa. Now to me, getting nails like this would be a treat, because a full set with art on each finger, will cost around $100. However, they do acrylics old school, the form the tip, they do not glue on a tip. Also each nail is custom art, and formed for you, no glue on pieces. I think its truly amazing.

Friday, August 19, 2011

pretty girl

These are my two edited shots from my pinup shoot. I am absolutely in love. When I look at these, I seriously feel so happy inside, and feel like i could even do some modeling. Whoa! Of course the photo shopping sheds some pounds, and improves everything, but all photos you see in print are edited today. I definitely want some more shoots, once i have the funds. Done by GirlieShow photography, California.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Dress code

I am pretty convinced my company's executives must be Mormon, or something similar. I mean really, its 2011 what is so wrong with showing the top half of your arm, or even a little above the knee? First off, I work in a building that interacts with no customers. I particularly am a call center environment. The dress code is already strict, but starting tomorrow its about to get worse. No dress code allowance provided either. We already have a business professional attire, and this is what they consider business casual for females :

*Every top and dress must have a sleeve, or a sweater or blazer on at all times, even when at your desk, even if having a hot flash.
* All skirts, and dresses must hit the knee or longer
* No maxi dresses, no leggings ( not even under skirts or dresses)
* No denim
* No capris or crops, even if trouser material
* The only polo shirt you can wear, YOU have to purchase with the company logo on it, and it must be tucked in
* No shirts with any graphic, no tee shirts, no active wear
* Nothing covering your head at any time, unless for religious use
* No sandals, no high wedges, no stilettos, zero boots,no shoes or clothes that look like you might wear them to any type of "club"

Management will be walking around, sending people home without pay and with an occurance, and you will be on your way to a write up. Lets hope they are actually fair this time, because I really am sick of looking at a size 30 female squeeze in target xl leggings daily and get away with it. If i have to search the universe for clothes, we ALL do!!
Do you know how hard it is to find clothes in today's world that even meet all these guidelines, not to mention my height ,size, and budget. They make it almost impossible to just focus on your job, no wonder most of us have an anxiety disorder!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Luvin Young Money

Young Money, is the record label founded by Lil' Wayne. It's current popular artist are Drake, Nicki Minaj and Lil Wayne. I guess you can say this is my urban side, because I LOVE Young Money, its pretty much all I listen to right now.
All I care about is money and the city that I’m from
I’ma sip until I feel it, I’ma smoke it till it’s done
And I don’t really give a fuck, and my excuse is that I’m young
And I’m only getting older so somebody shoulda told ya
I'm on one......

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Electric wish list

I am in need of the following, just saying. Although they are pretty out of reach!
I desperately need a new phone!!!! I cant check my email, facebook, really anything from mine anymore.... helpppppppppp!!!!!!!!

I had heard about this nifty brewer, but normally I drink iced espresso drinks. I recently tried some coffee from this at my uncles, and it was SO good! Then I saw that it makes iced coffee!! If you are someone who pays for espresso based drinks regularly, this will more then save you money with time.

Who doesn't want one of these nifty things in todays' world?!? I admit, I get a little jealous when I see people at work with them. Freaking perfect!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

70's style

Saturday was my uncle Doug's 50th birthday party. It was a 70's party. I love themes and dressing up! If I have a themed party, it required, by the way. I had a really good time, although I probably drank too much. Luckily they let me utilize the couch for the night! I found my dress at a vintage store by my house, i did my hair and no that's not a "bump it". My favorite MAC artist Crystal did my make up, and she did an amazing job, really. The eye shadow was stunning. Those are my gold eyes!!! they make me happy.
I just love all things retro

Sunday, June 12, 2011

work it, girl.

Big girls like the pole too

I just had the hardest work out class of my life. Of course, I am not in shape, but still! I've had my share of work outs, I used to be pretty hardcore at the gym, and with weights. My arms hurt so bad, I can't even pull up my underwear. My friend Jessica and I took a pole dancing class, at romance & dance in Carson, Ca. Its an hour class, the first half is not on the pole, its different stretches and positions. About a million times harder then intense yoga. I was thinking when you swing yourself on a pole, you are essentially attempting to lift your body weight, yikes! No way I could do that at the gym. My legs are in really good shape, I walk hard, fast, and a lot. I would like my thighs to be toned, but they don't hurt right now. I would really recommend this work out, its super fun!!! They play good music, and its a good way to switch up your routine if you already work out. Its $20 a class

Monday, June 6, 2011

Barbie art!!!

I love Barbie!! How can you not? I played with Barbie forever! I will totally admit that. So, for me, this art is drool-worthy. One day some of them will grace my apartment walls.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

My experience with bullies

Who would have thought being bullied as an adult would surpass childhood bullying by a long shot. Certainly not me. Between my upbringing and harassment at school, I thought I did my time. Turns out I was wrong. Apparently if your survive all that, still function in today’s world, AND like yourself, well you are a walking bulls eye.
One day in high school, I came out to my car with the word HOG written all over it in paint. Done by my crush’s brother no less. That was painful. In junior high, stickers that said jaba the hut, and every other analogy for fat were made with a label maker and put on my backpack. On top of being fat I had buck teeth until the braces came in junior high ( thank you medical). It doesn’t stop there, in high school the cystic acne kicked in full blast. I’ve even done two rounds of accutane and still suffer from this. When appearance is imperative I had almost zero clothes. I looked horrible in junior high, I had a single mom who refused to work, and there were no plus size clothes options. I remember sitting in a cold bath in the morning, while everyone else was asleep, wondering what I would wear that day. I would baby-sit all the time, from about 5th grade until I could get a real job. With that money I would buy some clothes, but it was a nightmare. I had no one to teach me how to do hair or makeup, I really didn’t even start to do my hair till late high school. We moved all the time, so I never had that one loyal friend I could turn and cry to. I had no one to go home and cry to, and I far from had the mom that was going to march in the principals office and demand any harassment to stop. The bottom line I was bullied to an extreme, I am sure it contributed to my withdrawn attitude. However I feel like my home life was so much worse, that other kids comments didn’t affect me as much as they could have.
I wish I could tell you the same about the comments that surround my adult life. I never saw this coming. The feeling that people hate me, for simply being myself. I like who I am, the woman I know I am. Would I change a few things? Of course. It hurts, badly to know you’ve never done a mean or malicious thing to someone, but they find some way to dislike you and make rude comments. I can barely go out to a bar, It happens at work all the time, it happens with the females in my family. It feels like drowning at times. I’ve never been competitive with women, I can go out and befriend women that are way prettier, successful, nicer then me, with no problem. Maybe because I grew up around skinny women? Maybe because there was never a male figure in my life to look up, therefore I have no problem putting friends before a piece of ass.
How could Nicole, with the imperfect body, face, bank account, love life, childhood, ect walk with her head high?!?! People can’t stand it, that’s the only answer anymore. My therapist has confirmed the fact that my spirit and enthusiasm is a blessing and a curse. “people will always know you are there, and they will always have something to say”.-Dr. Walton.
In 2008 I was jumped at the bbw bar, I’ve been a regular at for about 9 years. Never met the girl in my life, didn’t do anything to her, didn’t flirt with her boyfriend, nothing. She simply started to push my friend and I, then a buzzed Nicole was blindsided in the bathroom. A couple weeks ago, I brought a skinny, pretty friend with me. She said “ Nicole, no wonder these girls hate you, you are prettier then any girl in here!!!!”. While that made me feel good, its still frustrating, I said yes but im nice to them!!!!!
At work I’ve heard it all. You are ugly, what did you do to your hair?, why are you wearing that, what’s with your nails, when is your baby due, maybe you should lose weight, your knee would get better, you really shouldn’t eat that piece of cake. Honestly I could probably keep going. How fun is that 40 hours a week? I pull into work, wondering what will be said next, or what will I do wrong.
The women I am related too, wow. Talk about a group of women with a ton of hate and resentment toward me. This is most interesting to me, because I didn’t grow up around them and have never had a deep conversation with my female cousins. They were all brainwashed by their parents, which is fine. I’ve tried several times, to be apart of their clique, to establish relationships with them, so when I leave this earth I know I did my part.
So if you were bullied, or currently are, I feel your pain. Truly and deeply. I wish I was at a place to tell you it will stop and you will rise above it, but I am not. I believe I will, but it will do some damage in the mean time, and its something else I deal with in therapy. I hope and pray one day, women will love and support each other, in a whole new way, in my lifetime.

Sunday, May 29, 2011


This polish is really amazing, just as the ads show! I had been putting off purchasing, either because Ulta was always sold out or I was being cheap lol. I finally bought a bottle of the China glaze crackle in pink. I wanted red, because that would have been awesome over black. Its a fabulous look you can do on your own, and a bottle of china glaze or opi runs about $8. Thats less then a manicure! I know sally hansen has a line, it may be less. You can find that at any local store. Also, if you shop at Ulta, use a $5 off a $10 purchase coupon, and then you have a super deal. Yay for fun nails!!! Show me pictures if you have any fun nails.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

yes, i like pin up girls

Most of you know I would describe myself as an old soul. I often say I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe this contributes to why I have always really liked the pinup, retro, and vintage look. Also being a thick girl was a little more acceptable in a different time too! I never really perused it as a style or way of life, because I am not one to stick to solely one look. My style is evolving and ever changing, and I do what I like weather its in or not. Also it became very trendy, so I just continued to do my own thing. Well a lot has changed in me lately, one being a new found comfort in my body. I wont say happiness, because that would mean weighing about 60 pounds less then i do. However, I just feel differently about things. One thing I would really like to do is some pinup modeling. I know I have the look with the help of hair and makeup. It would be for fun really, not with the hopes of anyone hiring me. So one of my many goals currently going through my mind, is to get a photo shoot done. Once I get the funds, I'll make it happen. I've been practicing with my hair a lot, its so fun!!! My lack of eyelids don't permit the black liquid eyeliner {help}!!!
I was a pinup zombie for Halloween in 2009, btw!
So ladies follow your dreams, one baby step at a time, you'll get there!