Sunday, October 25, 2015

Live your life queen

Ah, Queen Adele. You are back, and I am sure with a vengeance. With age I realize more and more, music defines my soul, so much more than tv or movies. Also the more people i meet the more I realize this. Is music just dying with young people? I was lucky my Mother and Grandparents loved music. I just saw Straight out of Compton, and found myself moving and singing in the theatre, and the only white girl! I find this insane, there is so much music out there, so many genres we all need to appreciate. Not only do I want to go buy some NWA music, I also cannot wait for Adele to release her album! 
Music, lyrics, are my soul. 

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time

So hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, anymore

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart

Sunday, October 18, 2015

better days

All week I was in a very anxious depressed state, crying literally every day at work uncontrollably. It was so frustrating. I can't say I don't know why, of course I do. My phone is off, I have no car insurance, which means at work I cannot make more money by transporting clients and leaving the building. So I am forced to ask people, whom most are mean girls. I am the minority, lets put it that way.
I have NO money, yeah most say thats life, things will get better , but it doesn't ever seem to get better. Money is a big trigger for me I grew up with really no parents that provided or worked hard, no father, and broke. So yes, we all need money but it severely triggers my frame of mind and my depression.
I am making what i was making in HS to do what should be a $20 hour job, its draining mentally, and I don't feel appreciated by a long time friend who knows my conditions.

I still have not got approved for medical so have no clue when i can get a DR here,  and I just don't know how much more I can take.

Its not worth talking about so I just type, everyone has problems right, get over it nicole, this too shall pass, its all bullshit to me. people have different diseases that are out of their control, and I wish more would understand that,

My mother just ignores me, its funny I have worked my entire life and she did nothing. She always told me, if she had money she would do anything for me, talk about a bold face lie.  You think she could at least give me half or even a quarter of my ssi money she took my entire life, but no. I don't even  have a bed, yet I am supposed to believe you love me? Oh because my problems and depression stress you out? what do you think you've done to me since  a child? how pathetic. 
I left texas with nothing to get out of a very abusive relationship, if you'd like the police reports please let me know.

I " thought" i was seeing someone, and of course I cannot count on this individual either. I am there when  needed but when i need support, I just get ignored.... SO yes, i just figured out my severe flair up, there are days i can't even move, i can't call anyone and i get a guilt trip from work, when I am in dire pain.... I really don't know the point anymore.

There is some good news i got a part time job at bath and body works, I am super excited.....maybe now i can survive!!!!!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Daughters Day

Did you know there is a daughters day.
I would never get the words i deserve from my mother, but i am going to write a letter to me as if it were from her.

Dear Nicole,
HAPPY DAUGHTERS DAY, to a wonderful soul....a kind, generous, resilient,  strong, thoughtful, independent woman. My first beautiful baby girl, Grandma was the only one to witness your birth, and she couldn't get over how pretty you and your dark hair were.

You were a surprise, i wast too young for a baby, and not ready to stop my partying lifestyle. That is when you and Grandma's bond first started.

There are a lot of things I allowed to occur to you, that have damaged your mental health forever. I can never make up for those things. I was, and stupid, and honestly had no clue what i was doing as a mother. I loved my baby regardless.

I have never sat down and looked you in the eye and apologized for all the many things i put you through, if so maybe we can one day move forward and have a relationship. I am sorry I made you work from such a young age as i did speed and slept with various men, I am sorry I went to prison, I am sorry i never created a sisterly bond between you and stephanie the way I should have , rather than turn her against you....I am sorry for leaving you by the way side while she was my priority and all i ever cared about.  I am sorry for the neglect , and all the nights alone you endured. Much less the bullying and abuse from steve.

If i could erase all that i would. You are a walking imagine of your father and i know if he were here he would be very proud of you, the fact you are still alive after what you have endured is a miracle; A miracle from GOD he has a plan for you, or i would have stayed at that table at planned parent hood instead of leaving.
I am sorry i created no saving account for you from your ssi, instead i refused to work for whatever reason.  I know that would be all you would have of your dad, and I know he hates to see you struggle from above, I know it kill his giving heart.

I hope one day I have the courage to really say these things, so we can finally clear the air and hopefully move forward.

written by Nicole Lynn Wilder-Cramer

Sunday, September 20, 2015


Last weekend was Grandparents day. Due to my shitty relatives I did not attend my Grandpa-aka Fathers' funeral. This was the second time I had gone. It was nice and emotional. The view is amazing, it is right on the water at point loma!

I tried to see my mother who feels she owes me nothing, while my gross aunt is trying to get her to spend her inheritance on a face lift. um how about a home? How about the money they got when their Grandma died, yet they talk so much  shit. I decided after today, a long letter will be written to my biological mother and I want nothing to due with not once person in their family I don't care if it is a death or a birth, I will not have it. I have done my part all of my life and get shit on.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

God works in mysterious ways

Gosh I am so sick to my stomach right now.
I finally escaped Texas,  THANK GOD, sadly it was a result of domestic violence, i got punched in the mouth and my 3 front teeth are loose and i had to move back in place. It was so painful. Of course  the thing i love about myself the most, someone goes after. lucky I had friends NOT family to help me with gas to get back, and a friend to stay with the last month, and friends to help get rooms. Also found a job with in two weeks, which probably makes the sick nasty relatives bitter.

What makes me bitter?
My shady ass relatives, most of which couldn't stand my Grandparents or her paper plates, are more than willing to spend their money, funny enough they won't tell anyone how much it is. WHY? if you have nothing to be ashamed of, if you are honest, if you know you did right by them, why is it such a big secret?
My Grandma never wanted money to go to her kids, she always told me they don't need it, it should go to the grandkids. Just like she wanted to be buried not cremated. However she always went along with my Grandpa, and he simply didn't care anymore. He gave up on life.

Nothing makes me more sick, then back stabbing people more than willing to spend their money, yet they raised me and i didn't even get to attend the funeral. Selfish much? yet ALL i got was a stack of cards they saved from me since a child, but no they didn't love me like their own. Pathetic.
Man I can't stand these people, I hope to never see them again. they literally make my stomach turn.

The fake ass funerals, yet I was the only Granddaughter to speak at my Grandmas funeral. however, treated like chopped liver when my father died. Jealous bastards. They couldn't wait for revenge.  Fake fake fake bullshit, hate me because I am honest, thats the best.

Friday, August 7, 2015

My journey back West

I have been dying to move back to California, since the day i step foot in Texas. It just didn't happen the way I imagine it.
I am very excited to get home and see my friends, do not get me wrong, but I am overwhelmed with melancholy as well. 
I liked Waco, I was finally getting into a good place mentally. I had a plan to work toward my goals. My placement test was Thursday, I did my fasfa, I got really good news on a dismissal, and I was doing good. I had appointments for some specialist to work on my fibro. Now I feel back to square one.
I was a victim of domestic violence, and had to get in my car and just grab a few things and the dogs. I had to leave a lot of sentimental items, a storage, and I am feeling really sad. I can feel the depression just flowing through my body uncontrollably. I feel like I need a sponsor, someone I can speak to thats suffered from severe depression and anxiety. 
I can just pray to God that he will take care of me, Jeremiah 29:11 says he has a plan for me to prosper and i believe that, I just need cheerleaders by my side....

I am afraid, where will i live, where will i get income..ect... not to mention for my court case against xyz, ill have to fly back 3 times.

I feel lost, but so special that so many friends love me, and got me back across the country. NONE of my " family" stepped up to help, not even a dime. how sad is that? I have always been so generous, but what goes around comes around. I will not focus on that, I am focusing on all those that love me for me.
 I am so hard of myself. Old friends always told me the bad person I was, so to see people step up out of love, makes me feel so good. Its such a blessing from God. 

My teeth are loose, they hurt and I love my smile to it makes me so sad.

Good friends right now mean more than anything.... 

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

The Semi ; Colon project

Not just a trend.

I had my mind set on this tattoo. I am sure we all know what it means, but if not here goes: The semi colon is used when an author contnues a sentence rather than end it.

When you suffer from depression and severe anxiety, passive suicide thoughts are the norm. They continue and seem to get worse and it turns into ideation. Then, eventually you get to a point, or for me there is a major trigger and you attempt it.
God is in control, not myself. This Tattoo will remind me of that, I do not choose when I go home to Jesus and the kingdom of heaven. I struggle so much with not trusting God enough, I don't mindfully think that, but it is the case because anxiety is thinking God will get it wrong and depression is thinking he already did. God gets nothing wrong, he is our sovereign Lord. We get it wrong when we choose free will over him.

Please educate yourself, this is a disease. It is serious, real, genetic, and severe. My family has seriously dropped the ball on educating themselves, which is ironic because they pretty much all have some form or degree of mental illness. This is the ultimate reason I am estranged from my blood relatives. It is NOT about finding a happy place, or doing some activity that makes you happy. I do plenty of that. So please, educate, understand, and break the stigma.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Fathers Day now will be difficult as well, it landed on the one year anniversary of my Grandpa passing. Not only did my relatives not help me attend the funeral, they didnt even have the decenecy to send me his prayer card, or program. Knowing my Grandpa raised me. Heartless, selfish people.

SO I made a little shrine foe my loved ones that have passed my angels. 

I love the pictures of my dad and his father, so handsome.

Dad, its been so long. 28 years. I still miss you. Yes I was only 6, but I am constantly reminded of the lack of family I have and how I mean nothing to them. With you dad I hold on to a dream and a hope that I would have been your little angel. That you would understand me, and love me unconditionally. That I would be able to make you proud. That we would be best friends. I will always hold onto this dream, because no one can take it from me. I love you.‪#‎rip‬ ‪#‎6yearsold‬ ‪#‎dream‬ ‪#‎daddy‬

Sunday, June 7, 2015


I hate to write about this, but stopping the stigma of mental illness is a passion of mine, and I would be going against my values if I wasnt honest. If one person read this and realized they are not alone, that would be enough.

Our current generation is very obssessed with suicidal ideation, passive suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self harm, panic attacks ect.

Statistics currently show that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused. What happens is it never gets healed or recognized and well look at us millinealls now.

Suicide is the 3rd largest killer among our generation. Death by suicide is #10 while homocide is #16,    Every 13 seconds someone is taken from us.

Its serious people, it can happen to anyone. It doesnt matter how on top of the world you feel, you are not protected. Educate yourself, talk about it, if you know a friend isnt theirself reach out! Dont judge or disown them because they arent themseleves or making poor decissions , its a disease. You cant see it through the human eye but please do your research and do something to help. If a friend you know is down, and they call ANSWER!!!!!! It could be their last call before they make the choice.

I called 4 friends before I attempted to end my life last sunday. Not one answer. It was my fault for not calling the suicide line, but I clearly was not thinking properly. I was determined to die and prayed out loud to Jesus the entire time to please forgive me. Well like always I can hear Jesus saying "nope Nicole, not now, you mean too much and that is why the enemey will not leave you alone, your my daughter and here for great purpose". ( just my imagination). I cant see those things- with no support system or family you cant help but wonder.

Well i called 911 and went to an inpatient facility, it wasnt malibu or Aspen but it helped. To be around people, that you may have never known, yet you connect, laugh, and cry together... Well it was a Godsend. All of my doctors were great- we had group therapy for hours a day.. It was like a family of non judgmental, understanding, loving people that just met you.

I can only take one day at a time right now. I had to move in with a friend in Waco and its constant chaos, and makes me ill. But I try to cope the best I can.

I have no clue what my future holds and when i lost my Grandparents I guess i lost my mind. I am a smart, funny, generous, honest woman and with God, all things are possible.

One very sad note is, i text my mom and sister before going in. Have they called me? Did they call me there? Will my mother answer my phone call or text . NO! That's heartbreaking, and very solid proof i mean nothing to them, they would have no idea if i was dead, and lack of actions show me that. Which will always be painful.

So please reach out when you need help. Or answer your phone when someone is in crisis.

If you read this and want to start drama, thats fine. I am unashamed.


Monday, May 25, 2015

Waco... Huuuhhh?

4am still up- already had my energy surge and cooked, cleaned.. Now i cant stop chewing on ice... And yes i know im severely anemic and very anxious. Wondering what life will be like in small town Waco... Very nervous.... Excited for small town nice people... Trying to get my fasfa processed so i can go to school. Lord, i do not know what you have planned for me, but please lead me to your plan and give me clarity to see it. In Jesus name youll get me through this long valley Amen! πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ˜‡πŸ™‡πŸ‘Ό

Monday, May 18, 2015

Its all about you, Jesus

Sometimes, I wish this blog was private, then I could be totally transparent. Then no one would read it. Although I dont know what anyone reads it because they actually care about my life.

So much is happening lately, most probably would not even believe so much could go on with one person at once.

I am listening to worship music, praying for a week of chaos i must face. I often wonder: mentally how much can one person take all on their own?
 The Lord has to have a plan for me, because the devil is on overtime. Attacking me in every possibly direction. In my head I know that means, I have something special to offer, otherwise I would have died a long time ago. The devil doesnt attack those that are not special and unique to Jesus. He already ownes those indaviduals. I know God has purpose for my life, there are some very intelligent people that tell me how much I have to offer and how smart I am. I am just ready to put that into motion. I want to serve the Lord and walk out his plan. I just feel so lost, I feel like every choice I make is a dumb one. My anxiety is so high, that means I am not trusting the Lord, but I do not mean that to be the case.
Everyone always says how strong and brave I am, but its just not in my heart.....
I guess I am up, feeling really anxious and sad. Missing my Grandparents like always and just want to ramble.

I will be stuck in Tx longer than i wanted, and I really want to go to school in the fall , so this week I plan to get three years of taxes done, so I can do the fasfa and go to CC in the fall, and then transfer to Austin CC.

That is the tentative plan. My life is so hectic, I cant make many plans, which also fuels my anxiety. I have too much to offer this world, a strong testimony and a true will to help others and that is what i need to do.

I am going to read my bible and attempt sleep. xxx God Bless.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

My living situation

So let me brief you; I moved to Texas making about 45k and living in the addison circle. Paying 1200 a month for a one bedroom for a very nice, safe community.
Due to my health, I lost my job, and lost everything.
I now live in THE worst area of Dallas, S Dallas. In fact when the owner lived here people did break in while her kids were there. so honestly, you really should be paying nothing to live here, I cant walk my dogs or drive around, being the only white girl, people are very racist here.

So she messaged me on IG from couponing and told me she had a room to rent. Everyone told me not to of ALL nationalities. that it was dangerous and not safe for me to be here, but I had to do what I had to do.

When i got here, this place was disgusting, my bathroom and bathtub were black, the doors were black. For literally a week me and a friend came here, and scrubbed the heck out of this house. We worked our asses off. She offered to allow me to stay a couple months for free but I did not, I paid her.

I got rid of a living room full of her old trash, several people prior to me have come and gone and left food, trash, dishes and messes, and i cleaned it all I filled up two trash cans. i washed all the covers on the couch. the kitchen was full of old dishes with FOOD still on them , um disgusting?
 I cleaned it ALL! (unpaid) We were infested with rats, to where their feces were on the kitchen table, and out of 4 people I am the ONLY one that cleans it up and did what i could, in fact i asked the owner to please come over so we could clean the front and back yard. I worked my ass off, I was in dire pain, we had so much trash and debree it filled about 20 black trash bags (no pay) I do these things out of the goodness of my heart and I honor the Lord. No white girl in their right mind would live here but I just pray nightly for protection, through the gunshots and all. I have bought and planted peppermint to try and deter future rats, I have bought and used all my cleaners, I have cleaned, mopped the living room and kitchen none stop. never a thank you from anyone.
Also my room is the only one downstairs with my bathroom, the guy up stairs has a bathroom right next to him. so she showers there, but uses mine to use the restroom, yet showers upstairs. Why is that allowed?
He will not put the toilet down, or clean after is hair or piss, doesnt clean the bathroom all just to drive me nuts.

lately he has antagonized me in full force. he slams the toilet seats up at 6am, as my room is right across. My room is this make shift room some tweaker built , so i can hear everything above me including when people above me do "things".

I am truly the only one who cares about this home, because thats how i was raised, I have spent money buying lightbulbs and other things, I dont even think our smoke alarms work, nice huh? People that could care less and just want a pay check disgust me.
I even when to the owners home on Christmas, gave a gift, have been very nice to her children.

Recently our garbage disposal broke. I asked for a month to please fix it. I put a note saying " please do not let food get down there. did they listen ? NO there was so much food sitting there, that our house is infested with gnats. I have cleaned everything, put apple cider vinegar, everything. It doesnt matter, they are multiplying each time they land. It is disgusting to even cook. I have really never seen anything like this, they are even in my bathroom!!!!!

A young hispanic couple moved in and i have been nothing but nice to them, I made room for them in the kitchen,  showed them around... was that my job? ( no thank you )
I have taken her to church, given her things, been so so so sweet. Yet the owner lied and said he said he didnt like me. NO what he said is he didnt like the Drama with me and carlos.

So Carlos, a family friend of the owner, a very akward 30 year old single male, who happens to be very nasty, 6 months and I have never seen him wash his bedding. He doesnt believe in cleaning or mopping.

Now i stay in my room about  90% of the time, we have no tv and the other 10% I am cleaning weather my mess or not.
So Carlos I did befriend, before knowing he is a two faced, lying , backstabber. As if his drunk ass has any room to talk.
so daily he would show me pictures of half naked woman on his phone, i asked him to stop, and he wouldnt... and it was daily, I got sick of it. What makes you think i want to see women with fake boobs daily? Also he wanted to add my on FB and I said no, I was nice, I just said I dont trust you with my business, so id rather not.
Well because of this, he got all mad at me, will not talk, and took the wifi away from me, and even crumbled my money in a ball and threw it at my door. um are we 2 years old? now I am the second person he has done this to. Probably a sign he should not be in charge of the internet.  Be professional you dont have to like your roommates, but keep business what it is.
Now i have not run to the owner to tell her all the little things they do because she will just say oh well just move. she truly does not care about her home in any way shape or form. I have never seen anything like this. In fact when Carlos was putting on a show and i was his friend, he was going to move out. yet stupid me talked him into staying. huge mistake. Now she wants to blame me that he wants to move. she blames me for everything.
Then there is this nasty ass gay man that lives here, I have literally seen him twice, and you know why he doesnt like me? because i caught him stealing my sodas, that he never replaced. The funny thing is she told me he has no car and cant get here, but now she wants to blame me for him not being here. Ironic, my gay friends have told me everyone hates him, he is disgusting, he goes out alone, and is nasty wearing the same clothes daily. and Carlos has one friend the owners brother. yet you want to blame me? what a joke, i should be beyond appreciated. however, if someone doesnt care about their home, they arent gonna care if you take care of.

so today she has gone off on my for whatever reason, and when ive called her out on her lies she says " stop texing me " your harassing me"  I have not threatened her or hurt her, how is texting your landlord harassment? oh because she doesnt want to deal with anything regarding this house, she doesnt want to be bothered.
the biggest kicker, is she is supposedly a true JW, could have fooled me, she has not handled renting her home in a Godly form in any way,

I can only handle so much before i go off, I am antagonized daily, no joke by carlos, what the heck do expect????
Bye the way the gay man got in a huge fight with Carlos, and killed his cat, and countless people have lived here before me. Yet you want to blame me? lol joke!

maybe if she was more professional, clean, and set some house rules she would attract clean, normal people as myself.
OH and then she wants tobring up my insomnia in it to put me down, this is a 40 years Jehovah Witness yet others  get drunk beyond belief and leave their cans in the driveway. You really have some nerve. Its ok, God knows every single detail. Thank you Jesus. Amen

Tuesday, April 14, 2015


Its funny i leave church, inspired, on top of the world, and i come home to misery. I wont have care insurance soon, i have given up everything. I have no luxeries- no cable - internet-money-shopping-entertainment- i live in south D, which is frightening. I have literally had to give up every single thing. But when is it enough to be so humble- not even netflix...... I am trying to trust

the Lord will provide.... But im so stressed...... So ill look at my beautiful HS home. Still remember my # 15 years later 244-7158 emperor drive #stress #anxiety #alone #sad #rip #godsartwork #myhome #forever 

Saturday, March 21, 2015



Dear the young(er) me, you will endure a lot, the struggle will be real, however you have some amazing resilience. God blessed you with amazing Grandparents to teach you responsibility, strength, work ethic, honesty and morals. Your tragedies will contribute to your attitude, but dont be so hard on yourself. Your heart is warm as pie. You arent perfect, you are a sinner, you'll desperately want to change things about yourself, but the Lord created you before conception, and its ok to have flaws. People you love will reject you, abandoned you, and it will break your heart. You are a sensitive old soul and people will not understand you or like you. You have to except it, it is truly their loss. Stop worrying, God has purpose for your life. Take life one day at a time, try not to worry, and make your Grandparents proud.  Love, the 33 year old you.πŸ™πŸ’πŸ’–

  1. #june21 #sadday #lostthemboth #missingmygrandparents #rip #bestmaniveevermet #timeflies #iloveyougrandpa and every single thing you did for me since i was born, you loved me like your 7th child. Please watch over me πŸ˜“πŸ‘ΌπŸ’” oh and Grandparents day is after my birthday #fml #depression
  2.  His first anniversary lands on Fathers Day, such a bummer.