Monday, October 22, 2012

Bullies, bullies, bullies

October is national anti-bullying month.
I have posted about my passion to end bullying for a long time. I have talked about several life changing events as a child and as an adult. Its no surprise I believe in people, especially women being more supportive of one another, and less competitive.
Its funny, the happier I am, the more i attract bullies. Maybe its my confidence and the fact that my weight doesn't stop me from doing what i want, speaking the truth, or standing up for what I believe in.
I have especially had a bad experience at a "size acceptance" bar I have been going to for years, and in my work environment. Funny both of those places are filled with miserable, insecure, catty women. If you confront someone in a bathroom for any reason, yes you are a bully. If you stalk my every move and post, yes you are a bully.
I recently was with friends at knotts scary farm, and we had a terrible experience the entire night really. Apparently these "monsters" that work there are now present day bullies. Apparently from what they told me, they are paid to be mean. I always thought it was to scare and frighten. Guess that wasn't enough anymore. The employees made several remarks insulting weight, appearance, and sexuality.
What went on, wasn't right and very hostile. I did my part in standing up for the right thing. If you talk to me personally you know what  I am referring to.
Obviously by the news , we can see the extreme effects bullying has on young people today and their mental health. Suicide, self harming, shootings, Its totally out of control. However how can we really expect this to change and when adults set the example?! I mean it makes no sense. An adult should be the bigger, respectful person, not the instigator.
If you know someone is suffering, of any age, please reach out to them.You never know who you may help.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Party Idea-Retro Cowgirl

I have this current obsession with having a retro cowgirl themed party.
It seriously will not get out of my damn head.
If I was having a birthday party, this would be it. Although I am the queen of themed parties, its hard to get others to dress up.
I just think the attire, and party decor would be fabulous.

My vision is an outdoor party including the following:
Hay for sitting
Gingham table clothes
Old school country music
BBQ food, including watermelon triangles and corn on the cob
Galvanized buckets for drinks
Root bear bottles
Red bandannas
Those old school stick ponies
Mason jars, probably on the tables with candles
twirling, if i knew how

I want it to feel like you are at a vintage western party, not too juvenile. IF I move to Texas, and throw myself a party, ill do this for sure.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Dear California,

I doubt our relationship is going to last very long.
Yes, I was born and raised here, and pretty much lived all over southern California. However I am just an old soul, and you and I are like oil and water.
I've never felt like I belong in this state, I am far from a beach girl, I grew up in poverty, too fat to be popular, and too friendly to be here.
Even to this day, if I walk into a bar in the Newport/Mesa area, everyone stares at me. Like I am something they've never seen. I only go out when I am done up, so one night i really couldn't figure out why? I looked around and realized I was the only girl with black hair, much less being thick and having a dark lip.
Don't even try making friendly conversation with someone you don't know. They'll either think you are hitting on them, or just crazy.

Also I do not smoke, anything!!!! I am blue in the face with everyone's obsession with marijuana here. God created better things.

I will never afford a home here, and I am clearly not what a rich man wants in this state, so I have to think about my own future. I make decent money, and it somehow evaporates. The taxes for a single person are insane. I am so sick of living in random rooms, ghettos, and places. I want to work and afford a decent apartment, that is clean and safe. I think I deserve this.

Years ago when I first went to Boston, I fell in love. I knew California wasn't for me. If I could afford B-town, id be there. I've been to Boston 3 times, NYC once, and Washington.

I am so over the demanding people here, they speak to you like you owe them something and as of yesterday at that. Since I work on the phone all day, some of these people just make me sick. The only time I've heard a "yes mam/thank you mam" is on a Texas call. Imagine that.
I've never been to Texas, and  I am at a point where I don't even care.
If I had a choice, I would move to Austin. In order to transfer my job, I have to go to Irving, Texas. It is outside of Dallas. There are tons of job, and nice affordable housing. Its very hard to find a job from another state, unless you have some special skills.

Leaving my Grandparents was something I could never even imagine. Since losing my Grandma, I feel more alone than ever. I need some major life changes to occur to get my joy back. I heard her voice when she died, just saying "go Nicole, go, you are free now"...
I don't know anyone, and I will miss my Grandpa deeply, but something has got to give.

My current plan is to see what it takes to transfer, and if i can, and go from there.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Sunny week

This week I enjoyed some much needed fun in the sun! Hello its summer!
Based on my almost iridescent skin , you could say I really don't see much sun light. Although my vitamin D is low, and since i don't drink milk, the sun is the next best thing.
Just kidding.
well, not about the milk.
The pale skin is not only healthier, but it kind of goes along with my look as well.

Monday Briana picked me up and we headed to the beach, I enjoyed seeing her family and had a great time. Except  my poor red chest, yikes!
I have to say, it was super busy, and this lady was trying to sale her parking spot for $10!!! I mean i thought about picking up this second job, but with my luck the Newport PD would catch me immediately.

Today Pamela invited me to her friends house, I mean castle for a pool party. Its a spectacular place  in the hills of San Diego. We hung out in the lovely pool, ate, drank and talked for hours. I wish i had some better photos, but it was hard with the sun and my phone.

It was lovely hanging out with these women. I don't live near either, so i really value the time we can spend together.
Its also really important for me to have quality women in my life right now. Plus who knows how long ill be in California, so i have to make the best of whats around.

Thursday, July 5, 2012


I am a big YouTube fan, no doubt. Mostly my attention goes to fashion, makeup, beauty, music and some other randoms.
This gal came up in the right sidebar, so i clicked! She literally makes me laugh hysterically in all her videos, I love her sense of humor. Its right up my alley!

It really makes me happy when people are honest and open about depression and anxiety. Hearing people talk about it is always really refreshing. Honestly I truly think it needs to be done more often.  I am obviously one of those people who puts things out there, i am very honest and straight forward and open about this disease. Yes I know it has pushed people away, and that is totally fine. I am on a constant route of improvement, and trying new things to deal with this.

I think a lot of self harm, stems from those who cant be open about what they suffer from. I can say I haven't gotten to the point of any physical self harm, or street drug use at this point. So you can hate me and what i stand for, but with the genetics in my family, I am pretty shocked I have yet to fall into that trap.
Grateful for sure.

If I could afford a good camera and imac i would be making videos, about a number of things,  but mental health issues would surely be one of them.
Another good site to those who feel alone, is
I've come across a lot of people dependent on anti anxieties/depressants/marijuana, yet never face the underlining issue. Obviously I don't have a problem with prescription drugs, under the care of a doctor. However most people don't really face whats going on, don't talk about it, refuse to get therapy or make no  life changes. There are women i work with  that will pop a Xanax, but who knows the last time they saw a psychiatrist. Hello, kind of a problem.
Genetically, I have a ridiculously high drug tolerance. Almost nothing helps. Talking to someone however, is helpful. My psychiatrist is my favorite person, literally. She truly sees the good in me, and makes me laugh. Its fabulous. One day Ill move on and hopefully wont need her, but i don't really even want that to happen haaha.
Anyway my point was, I really really really love this fun girl from Texas! I hope someone else can get something out of her as well.

 Its estimated 1 out of 10 US adults suffer from depression. 
Anxiety disorders are the most common psychiatric illnesses affecting children and adults. An estimated 40 million American adults suffer from anxiety disorders. Only about one-third of those suffering from an anxiety disorder receive treatment, even though the disorders are highly treatable

Sunday, June 3, 2012

some fun times

Good times were had last week...

On Memorial Day Isabel, Briana, and I got together at Briana's house for a bbq. It was awesome to hang out with them. We went to high school together, and its great we get along and can hang out and chat as adults. I hadn't seen Isabel in like 10 years! I really hope we stay connected, they are both great women.

On Wednesday a long time dream came true! I saw Dita Von Teese!!!! She actually played at the yost theater in downtown Santa Ana. This is like an old time theater inside that recently re opened. It is marvelous inside.
The performance was fantastic. The host was funny, there were dancers in between her acts. She even had a plus size burlesque dancer!!! That of course made me super happy! My favorite set was the finale because i love the Japanese/Geisha stuff.
For 39 years old, she can rock the stage, the outfits, and possess a beautiful pale body. The neat part of going to something like this is seeing everyone dressed up, and running into people from the pinup community.
I finally met my favorite local pin up girl Ashley. I went up to her like a silly fan, but she knew my name!!! I am just sad the photo turned out so blah. Oh well.
It was a great night, and I had a wonderful time with my friend Ryan. I also did a mini bar tour downtown, I went to the playground, the crosby, and chapter one. Its a unique, fun area to go out in.

The crew also got together to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. Wow, 5 years!!!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Little Saigon Love

This is my long awaited review of my favorite things in Little Saigon. Today when you think of Garden Grove, you think Vietnamese. Ironically when my Grandparents moved to California, they bought their first home in Garden Grove. I believe it cost around 10,000 and can only imagine how much its worth today. They lived there about 25 years, and when it started to slowly turn into Little Saigon it was time to leave.
In about the 10 years I've individually lived in the Orange County area, it feels like I've lived everywhere. Lots of random areas and places, not so safe, that i hope i never have to go back to.
One thing I appreciate in myself is finding the gems of each area I've been in.

One of my favorite things is Fancy Hair Salon, on brookhurst.
Now you are sacrificing environment for the price you pay. Also there will be a language barrier, unless you speak Vietnamese. My best advise is to be very clear, straight forward, firm, and bring pictures. Cash only as well.
I have gotten my hair cut and colored here several times. Now I only get an all over color, black. No foils or highlighting. For my color, cut, blow dry, and even flat ironed or curled I pay around 40$. For me, it makes it all worth it. If you want a cut and blow dry I believe its around $10-14.

Skylark beauty supply
This place is awesome! Its literally the place the nail salons shop at.They have walls and walls of polish, all the same they use at the typical spot, and for $1!!! They have some opi, china glaze, and various crackles for reduced price as well. Also all types of nail files,buffers, scrubbers, ect all super cheap. I would highly recommend the false eyelashes here too. They also have a ton of acrylic nail supplies and tips, all that stuff if you know how to do nails.

I also go to a foot massage place a few doors down, but I don't know the name. Now if you have never been to an Asian foot massage, FYI they massage your entire body. You keep your clothes on and its a room with several people. Its not private. Its $15, and also totally worth it, for an hour!!

The boiling crab is in the same center, its not my thing, however its an extremely popular restaurant among all  types of people.

Now we know most all nail places employ the Viet, but its funny, in the LS area there aren't really a lot of nail places. You can find basic pedicures and manicures, but that's about it. I go to Long Beach for my nails :)

Last year I purchased my birthday cake from a Viet bakery called Givral.
It was beautiful! They don't bake sweet like we do, so I asked a lot of questions and did chocolate on chocolate and made sure I stressed the fact that I like sweet and rich. I believe it cost me around $50.
These bakeries are where all the Vietnamese get their engagement and wedding cakes.

I am pretty sure everyone knows about Lees Coffee. They are all over the place. I have tried Viet coffee at lots of places and theirs is the best. I love the vanilla ice coffee, and they have good egg rolls. I think a bauget is like $1. Most people are really into their sandwiches is well. The one in GG is actually open 24 hours!

Very recently I went to a traditional Viet restaurant. That is just one thing I'll stay away from. I didn't like the food, at all. I really didn't think it was worth the price, and over all I was not impressed.

I hope you'll try some of the places I love!!!

Monday, April 9, 2012

I have some dreams..

This is a comment I just posted on my friends blog. I liked her post, and couldn't agree more.

I dream of initiating a true movement. One where women of all shapes, sizes, styles, and back grounds TRULY support and motivate each other. A world, where women could trust each other, rely and RESPECT one another. Kind of like the friendship the girls have on Sex in the City.

However even if you aren't friends,because we don't all mesh, stop hating on one another, stop being bullies, beating people up, dropping friends for men. Truly learn to love yourself. A world where women really encourage and seek self respect. A world in which big girls do NOT have to settle, for men, marriages, jobs, friends, hobbies, ect.
A world that can see a thick girl as a "trophy wife" and not just a blonde size 2.

This is what I dream of, and hope to accomplish, even in the smallest form.

I have also been bullied, to the extreme my entire life. I can honestly say its gotten out of hand in the last few years. Its like the more I start to love and accept who I am, the more other people hate me. It doesn't matter what I do. Insecure girls (which sadly is a majority) absolutely cannot stand that i can actually be real, and myself, and still love myself.

I have really bad days, Saturday night was one of them. I felt so discouraged and depressed about my appearance, after I got up in front of people and danced all night. Ridiculous.
I hate how other people get to me, and that I am so sensitive. Its me though, and I have to learn to accept it.

I've experienced the meanest girls, and lamest men in an environment that is supposed to be "size accepting". It's sad, I wish all those women empowered each other, instead of being mean and competitive Imagine the things that could be accomplished?

This is a long rant, my apologies. Samantha with age you will truly become the woman you were intended, you will love yourself more, and with that there will be more haters. So stay strong and have a good therapist.


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Monday, April 2, 2012

What happened to chivalry?

Someone please, tell me!
I feel like this is completely lost in California. Is this an issue in every part of the country??
Yes, there are many women in southern California looking for a sugar daddy, and that is ok, if you are honest with your intentions. This area is saturated with beautiful women, and plenty of wealthy men that pay the price to have one on their arm.
Has this screwed us normal girls? Plus size girls? Why can't a  plus size girl be considered a trophy wife in this delusional culture anyway??

I have talked to a lot of men, I mean  A LOT of men. Some assume you need someone to take care of you, some think dates should be 50/50 from the start, and some are down right so broke they are worried about a cover charge at a bar. These are men thirty and older.
It's pathetic.

Of  course when I talk to a generation ahead of me , like my aunt, a woman making six figures who knows every detail of etiquette, she agrees with me.

No a man has never paid my bills, or for any part of my personal needs, or lavished me with any gifts. I have a job, and have my entire life been very independent. I have a car, gas money, and don't live at home, thanks.
I do think a man should at least pay for the first few dates in the beginning of dating, If we met online, yes  I will meet you half way, but you should be able to buy me a coffee or a drink, If you want to meet me, and you are worried about a cover charge then you surely cant buy dinner or drinks at any point.
If you are that broke/cheap its not going to work anyway, because how in the hell do you expect to afford marriage or children.
I am seeking someone ambitious, not living pay check to pay check. You set the standard from the beginning.
As my aunt says, I am letting you inside my body, I can have your child, if you are sleeping with me or planning on it, yes you need to get the tab.

I  am a very generous person, I will buy gifts, dates, drinks, ect once I know a man isn't a typical douche bag. I am always very straight forward in what I am looking for in someone.
It is OK to be feminine, it is OK for a man to court you. Just because you are plus size or not a beauty queen, DO NOT ever settle!!!! Stay true to what you believe in and what you know you deserve. You don't have to settle for broke, unattractive, addictions, unambitious, just because you aren't societies trophy wife.
I would rather be alone than settle, because at some point, even if years later the unhappiness and resentment will surface.
 Shame on you who say i'll be alone or am being judgmental, because I have standards. Maybe those people should consider theirs.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Photo shoot II

If you are on my face book, you have seen these pictures. I just actually received the edits, and figured i would do a post.
I did this at the PinUps closet, they had another in store shoot with Girlie Show Photography.
I think every girl should do at least shoot in their life.The results are great, and make you feel so good about yourself.
When I feel particularly blah, I can look at these, and they totally life my mood. I realize how pretty I am.
One of my many dreams is to do some plus size modeling, with some modern pinup influence. I don't have the time to put all my effort into researching and pursuing the dream.
I have been putting time in to practicing on my hair and makeup, and looks. Ill never categorize myself or style into one arena, however these looks make me feel good.
Keesha is a pro at photo shop, no joke. Makeup by Candice and hair by Maria B

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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

3 months

" Researchers have found that children who lose a parent need two conditions to continue to thrive: a stable surviving caregiver to meet their emotional and physical needs, and open and honest communication about the death and its impact on the family. Sheer psychical care isn't enough. The child who can express her sadness and who feels secure in her environment is the one most likely to integrate the loss and avoid serious ongoing distress."- Motherless Daughters

When I read that statement, it really hit me hard. My father died when I was six. Those conditions surely were not met, I ran to my Grandma when I could but she wasn't my full time caregiver. I cant remember anyone really talking to me about losing my father. I think everyone thought it was no big deal since we didn't live together. As I got older I asked questions, put some of the sad pieces together. On and off as an adult i have mourned the loss of my father. Its almost like I can never fully grieve it though. I am not sure why. Maybe because I was never around his family, or because there is this curiosity in me, of who he was or who he would have been in my life.

I try to plow through this book, and I simply can't. I am just not there yet, Its too sad for me, to read all these stories of loss.
The journey of losing my Grandmother is going to be a long one, and that is what it is. I cry often for her, its hard for me to go to the store, I can still picture her in her chair at home or working in the thrift store,.
I watched Tyler Perry's Speech for Whitney Houston, and it just made me cry, but it also reminded me how much my Grandma loved the Lord. How she dedicated her life to the church, and serving. Such a humble , sweet, generous loving soul. Each day in her sickness she lit her Saint Jude candle, read her prayer cards, had her church friends come read the bible with her, and while still coherent her priest came into her home to read her last rights.
My Grandma was ready to go home to the Lord when she passed.
I had a vision last night that My Grandma and Dad are together, and she told him how much i always loved and missed him.
Maybe its silly or maybe its true.

Sunday, February 12, 2012


Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
Proverbs 27:6

"An insecure and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast ; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind"

I feel enlightened by these statements today, truly. I made my peace, I was the bigger, nice person. I will be mindful today and live in the now.
I am so grateful for the few intelligent, confident, honest people i have in my life. Those who see depth to a soul, those who know me and my heart of gold. I love these people, I loved my Grandma, and most importantly i love myself. I love my resilience, my strength, my generosity and compassion, my warm heart and my honest mouth. I love that I can get up on a block at my size, and dance half naked, even when I am surrounded by mean girls. How freaking awesome is that!!!
Always stay true Nicole, Always.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


This is something I read and discussed the other day.

Mindfulness is about keeping your awareness in the current moment most of the time. It is about being present and aware in your life today. Mindfulness would say the past is the past and the future isn't here yet.
What has happened in the past has already happened. It cant be changes. It is possible to learn from the past, reflect on the past, or just have a memory of the past.
since the future hasn't happened yet, there is no point in excessively worrying about what is to come. And yet, it is effective to plan and prepare for the future.
Being in the past and future mindfully or intentionally is optimal. If instead you live your life mindlessly in the past or future , you can miss out on really important things going on right now and end up regretting it later.
Mindfulness would say: If you are going to to spend time and energy focusing on the past and future; do it intentionally and with full awareness. However, spend most of your time in the present moment, in the here and now, in today. This allows you to fully experience your life as it happening, rather than what it was or what it might be.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012


Acne at 30, I seriously hope not. However, that's How I've started 2012 off! There are ups and downs with my skin, but when you are already insecure about your body, the last thing you need is shitty skin. I honestly have been dealing with serious cystic acne for about 14 years. Enough already! Prior to accutane i did all the other treatments, antibiotics, retinals, ect. In my 20's i did 2 rounds of accutane about 6 years apart. At this point I am kind of afraid to do it again. There is no long term research of the effects it can have on children born long after , even years after the mother has stopped. However in my endless search for a cure, this is all I have found that truly works. This isn't the cause of a girl not washing her face at night after wearing make up all day, or going to the gym and tanning with a face full of it. It unfortunately is very hereditary in my family.
Even being a fairly confident woman overall, If im not wearing make-up I will avoid looking at myself or anyone, much less a man, all day. In fact It takes force to get myself to walk into the cafeteria at work on those days. Days where I've worked 10 hours, and I cant sleep at night, and there just no time to put on my face.
I was desperate yesterday for some instant help for the evil living on my face, so I headed to my favorite Vietnamese skin care shop, in Little Saigon. She was nice, but the viet girls are brutally honest, they make me look like peaches and cream!
In her strong accent and broken English emphasizing how bad each acne was. Extractions with a needle so painful, i was ready to cry. "no pain no acne gone" she says. She even decided to show me the kleenex full of grossness shed removed from my face. Nice. You need to come every month! I know, ill try.
If you suffer from this, my heart goes out to you more then you know. I don't even know you, but when I see you on the street I want to cry and hug you. Someone loves you, whomever you may be...

I like this girl, and she does an amazing foundation routine!!!!