Monday, June 29, 2015

Fathers Day now will be difficult as well, it landed on the one year anniversary of my Grandpa passing. Not only did my relatives not help me attend the funeral, they didnt even have the decenecy to send me his prayer card, or program. Knowing my Grandpa raised me. Heartless, selfish people.

SO I made a little shrine foe my loved ones that have passed my angels. 

I love the pictures of my dad and his father, so handsome.

Dad, its been so long. 28 years. I still miss you. Yes I was only 6, but I am constantly reminded of the lack of family I have and how I mean nothing to them. With you dad I hold on to a dream and a hope that I would have been your little angel. That you would understand me, and love me unconditionally. That I would be able to make you proud. That we would be best friends. I will always hold onto this dream, because no one can take it from me. I love you.‪#‎rip‬ ‪#‎6yearsold‬ ‪#‎dream‬ ‪#‎daddy‬

Sunday, June 7, 2015


I hate to write about this, but stopping the stigma of mental illness is a passion of mine, and I would be going against my values if I wasnt honest. If one person read this and realized they are not alone, that would be enough.

Our current generation is very obssessed with suicidal ideation, passive suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self harm, panic attacks ect.

Statistics currently show that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused. What happens is it never gets healed or recognized and well look at us millinealls now.

Suicide is the 3rd largest killer among our generation. Death by suicide is #10 while homocide is #16,    Every 13 seconds someone is taken from us.

Its serious people, it can happen to anyone. It doesnt matter how on top of the world you feel, you are not protected. Educate yourself, talk about it, if you know a friend isnt theirself reach out! Dont judge or disown them because they arent themseleves or making poor decissions , its a disease. You cant see it through the human eye but please do your research and do something to help. If a friend you know is down, and they call ANSWER!!!!!! It could be their last call before they make the choice.

I called 4 friends before I attempted to end my life last sunday. Not one answer. It was my fault for not calling the suicide line, but I clearly was not thinking properly. I was determined to die and prayed out loud to Jesus the entire time to please forgive me. Well like always I can hear Jesus saying "nope Nicole, not now, you mean too much and that is why the enemey will not leave you alone, your my daughter and here for great purpose". ( just my imagination). I cant see those things- with no support system or family you cant help but wonder.

Well i called 911 and went to an inpatient facility, it wasnt malibu or Aspen but it helped. To be around people, that you may have never known, yet you connect, laugh, and cry together... Well it was a Godsend. All of my doctors were great- we had group therapy for hours a day.. It was like a family of non judgmental, understanding, loving people that just met you.

I can only take one day at a time right now. I had to move in with a friend in Waco and its constant chaos, and makes me ill. But I try to cope the best I can.

I have no clue what my future holds and when i lost my Grandparents I guess i lost my mind. I am a smart, funny, generous, honest woman and with God, all things are possible.

One very sad note is, i text my mom and sister before going in. Have they called me? Did they call me there? Will my mother answer my phone call or text . NO! That's heartbreaking, and very solid proof i mean nothing to them, they would have no idea if i was dead, and lack of actions show me that. Which will always be painful.

So please reach out when you need help. Or answer your phone when someone is in crisis.

If you read this and want to start drama, thats fine. I am unashamed.