Sunday, October 25, 2015

Live your life queen

Ah, Queen Adele. You are back, and I am sure with a vengeance. With age I realize more and more, music defines my soul, so much more than tv or movies. Also the more people i meet the more I realize this. Is music just dying with young people? I was lucky my Mother and Grandparents loved music. I just saw Straight out of Compton, and found myself moving and singing in the theatre, and the only white girl! I find this insane, there is so much music out there, so many genres we all need to appreciate. Not only do I want to go buy some NWA music, I also cannot wait for Adele to release her album! 
Music, lyrics, are my soul. 

Hello, it's me
I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya, but I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?
I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart

Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time

So hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, anymore

Hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I've tried
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart

Sunday, October 18, 2015

better days

All week I was in a very anxious depressed state, crying literally every day at work uncontrollably. It was so frustrating. I can't say I don't know why, of course I do. My phone is off, I have no car insurance, which means at work I cannot make more money by transporting clients and leaving the building. So I am forced to ask people, whom most are mean girls. I am the minority, lets put it that way.
I have NO money, yeah most say thats life, things will get better , but it doesn't ever seem to get better. Money is a big trigger for me I grew up with really no parents that provided or worked hard, no father, and broke. So yes, we all need money but it severely triggers my frame of mind and my depression.
I am making what i was making in HS to do what should be a $20 hour job, its draining mentally, and I don't feel appreciated by a long time friend who knows my conditions.

I still have not got approved for medical so have no clue when i can get a DR here,  and I just don't know how much more I can take.

Its not worth talking about so I just type, everyone has problems right, get over it nicole, this too shall pass, its all bullshit to me. people have different diseases that are out of their control, and I wish more would understand that,

My mother just ignores me, its funny I have worked my entire life and she did nothing. She always told me, if she had money she would do anything for me, talk about a bold face lie.  You think she could at least give me half or even a quarter of my ssi money she took my entire life, but no. I don't even  have a bed, yet I am supposed to believe you love me? Oh because my problems and depression stress you out? what do you think you've done to me since  a child? how pathetic. 
I left texas with nothing to get out of a very abusive relationship, if you'd like the police reports please let me know.

I " thought" i was seeing someone, and of course I cannot count on this individual either. I am there when  needed but when i need support, I just get ignored.... SO yes, i just figured out my severe flair up, there are days i can't even move, i can't call anyone and i get a guilt trip from work, when I am in dire pain.... I really don't know the point anymore.

There is some good news i got a part time job at bath and body works, I am super excited.....maybe now i can survive!!!!!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Daughters Day

Did you know there is a daughters day.
I would never get the words i deserve from my mother, but i am going to write a letter to me as if it were from her.

Dear Nicole,
HAPPY DAUGHTERS DAY, to a wonderful soul....a kind, generous, resilient,  strong, thoughtful, independent woman. My first beautiful baby girl, Grandma was the only one to witness your birth, and she couldn't get over how pretty you and your dark hair were.

You were a surprise, i wast too young for a baby, and not ready to stop my partying lifestyle. That is when you and Grandma's bond first started.

There are a lot of things I allowed to occur to you, that have damaged your mental health forever. I can never make up for those things. I was, and stupid, and honestly had no clue what i was doing as a mother. I loved my baby regardless.

I have never sat down and looked you in the eye and apologized for all the many things i put you through, if so maybe we can one day move forward and have a relationship. I am sorry I made you work from such a young age as i did speed and slept with various men, I am sorry I went to prison, I am sorry i never created a sisterly bond between you and stephanie the way I should have , rather than turn her against you....I am sorry for leaving you by the way side while she was my priority and all i ever cared about.  I am sorry for the neglect , and all the nights alone you endured. Much less the bullying and abuse from steve.

If i could erase all that i would. You are a walking imagine of your father and i know if he were here he would be very proud of you, the fact you are still alive after what you have endured is a miracle; A miracle from GOD he has a plan for you, or i would have stayed at that table at planned parent hood instead of leaving.
I am sorry i created no saving account for you from your ssi, instead i refused to work for whatever reason.  I know that would be all you would have of your dad, and I know he hates to see you struggle from above, I know it kill his giving heart.

I hope one day I have the courage to really say these things, so we can finally clear the air and hopefully move forward.

written by Nicole Lynn Wilder-Cramer

Sunday, September 20, 2015


Last weekend was Grandparents day. Due to my shitty relatives I did not attend my Grandpa-aka Fathers' funeral. This was the second time I had gone. It was nice and emotional. The view is amazing, it is right on the water at point loma!

I tried to see my mother who feels she owes me nothing, while my gross aunt is trying to get her to spend her inheritance on a face lift. um how about a home? How about the money they got when their Grandma died, yet they talk so much  shit. I decided after today, a long letter will be written to my biological mother and I want nothing to due with not once person in their family I don't care if it is a death or a birth, I will not have it. I have done my part all of my life and get shit on.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

God works in mysterious ways

Gosh I am so sick to my stomach right now.
I finally escaped Texas,  THANK GOD, sadly it was a result of domestic violence, i got punched in the mouth and my 3 front teeth are loose and i had to move back in place. It was so painful. Of course  the thing i love about myself the most, someone goes after. lucky I had friends NOT family to help me with gas to get back, and a friend to stay with the last month, and friends to help get rooms. Also found a job with in two weeks, which probably makes the sick nasty relatives bitter.

What makes me bitter?
My shady ass relatives, most of which couldn't stand my Grandparents or her paper plates, are more than willing to spend their money, funny enough they won't tell anyone how much it is. WHY? if you have nothing to be ashamed of, if you are honest, if you know you did right by them, why is it such a big secret?
My Grandma never wanted money to go to her kids, she always told me they don't need it, it should go to the grandkids. Just like she wanted to be buried not cremated. However she always went along with my Grandpa, and he simply didn't care anymore. He gave up on life.

Nothing makes me more sick, then back stabbing people more than willing to spend their money, yet they raised me and i didn't even get to attend the funeral. Selfish much? yet ALL i got was a stack of cards they saved from me since a child, but no they didn't love me like their own. Pathetic.
Man I can't stand these people, I hope to never see them again. they literally make my stomach turn.

The fake ass funerals, yet I was the only Granddaughter to speak at my Grandmas funeral. however, treated like chopped liver when my father died. Jealous bastards. They couldn't wait for revenge.  Fake fake fake bullshit, hate me because I am honest, thats the best.

Friday, August 7, 2015

My journey back West

I have been dying to move back to California, since the day i step foot in Texas. It just didn't happen the way I imagine it.
I am very excited to get home and see my friends, do not get me wrong, but I am overwhelmed with melancholy as well. 
I liked Waco, I was finally getting into a good place mentally. I had a plan to work toward my goals. My placement test was Thursday, I did my fasfa, I got really good news on a dismissal, and I was doing good. I had appointments for some specialist to work on my fibro. Now I feel back to square one.
I was a victim of domestic violence, and had to get in my car and just grab a few things and the dogs. I had to leave a lot of sentimental items, a storage, and I am feeling really sad. I can feel the depression just flowing through my body uncontrollably. I feel like I need a sponsor, someone I can speak to thats suffered from severe depression and anxiety. 
I can just pray to God that he will take care of me, Jeremiah 29:11 says he has a plan for me to prosper and i believe that, I just need cheerleaders by my side....

I am afraid, where will i live, where will i get income..ect... not to mention for my court case against xyz, ill have to fly back 3 times.

I feel lost, but so special that so many friends love me, and got me back across the country. NONE of my " family" stepped up to help, not even a dime. how sad is that? I have always been so generous, but what goes around comes around. I will not focus on that, I am focusing on all those that love me for me.
 I am so hard of myself. Old friends always told me the bad person I was, so to see people step up out of love, makes me feel so good. Its such a blessing from God. 

My teeth are loose, they hurt and I love my smile to it makes me so sad.

Good friends right now mean more than anything.... 

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

The Semi ; Colon project

Not just a trend.

I had my mind set on this tattoo. I am sure we all know what it means, but if not here goes: The semi colon is used when an author contnues a sentence rather than end it.

When you suffer from depression and severe anxiety, passive suicide thoughts are the norm. They continue and seem to get worse and it turns into ideation. Then, eventually you get to a point, or for me there is a major trigger and you attempt it.
God is in control, not myself. This Tattoo will remind me of that, I do not choose when I go home to Jesus and the kingdom of heaven. I struggle so much with not trusting God enough, I don't mindfully think that, but it is the case because anxiety is thinking God will get it wrong and depression is thinking he already did. God gets nothing wrong, he is our sovereign Lord. We get it wrong when we choose free will over him.

Please educate yourself, this is a disease. It is serious, real, genetic, and severe. My family has seriously dropped the ball on educating themselves, which is ironic because they pretty much all have some form or degree of mental illness. This is the ultimate reason I am estranged from my blood relatives. It is NOT about finding a happy place, or doing some activity that makes you happy. I do plenty of that. So please, educate, understand, and break the stigma.