Monday, December 22, 2014

Lord, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa; Please hear my prayer and get me through these next few lonely days

Psalm 88[a]

Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.
I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.
I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave,
whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.
You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.[d]
You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them.
I am confined and cannot escape;
    my eyes are dim with grief.
I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.
10 Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?
11 Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction[e]?
12 Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?
13 But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
14 Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?
15 From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.
17 All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.
18 You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

I will buy you a new life

The Video below is totally worth your time into couple moments and it's a spoken word and it is something that I wish I had the nerve to do because with this girl says it is exactly my thoughts feelings emotions to the point exactly the same.

#widn- if a #rant bugs you move along instead of judging because you are perfect 💁 I am coloring because its 8:30 am my time and i have been up 4 days. Cleaning my ass off- cleaning rat shit inside, the entire kitchen, went to some ghetto ass clinic called #metrocare where they base on your income and do not carry most medications that are  imperative to my health not even Lyrica not an anxiety medication nothing for #fibromyalgia or neaurapothy (sp) yet its still a 30 co pay. My past dr gave me hyrdro for the broke foot thats not putting me to sleep and I'm convinced that the Ambien they gave me is a placebo because that's done nothing at all. I got a letter today declining my federal disability I applied for that though other agencies and doctors do consider me disabled i don't me SSI disability qualifications so I cried for about four hours still did not fall asleep have no family to talk to about it at all no mom that even cares or even knows what's wrong with me. Yet you can wake up at #Methodist Hospital in North Oak Cliff not know how you got there told you were wondering around Dallas alone with nothing with you and that's not a disability interesting. For the first time in my life in Texas I lost 2 jobs because my health mentally and physically its so so severe, and I have worked and paid Social Security since I was 13 and they use that against you as a solid work history and it being educated. This week I also got a parking ticket for $45 downtown, I had a major court issue, I got a drive through car wash stuck on my car the left side of my back fender ripped off because I have a scion. Got into a "dispute" with  a roommate that I will not look at and will NOT look @this busted #basicbitch who he is "dating" A.k.a. using for a ride to work and back because he has no car and he has no money so she makes him food,  so she's not attractive MEN will NOT use me, very awkward and he is the typical ex military womanizer douche bag which is a huge regret so that has made me cry for days as well. Planned church but i cant with sever #insomnia #longassblog #alone #scared #desperate #shattered #lost #welcometotexas #youarejustnegitive #wh#whatsunconditionlove

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Was just my grandpas bday and first holidays without him. I never realized how much you truly loved me while you were on earth, even though  your actions were so loud. So loud you didn't tell me you were dying. You knew, you knew your shady ass kids would be heartless bastards and you simply wanted to protect me. I love you.