Tuesday, February 21, 2012

3 months

" Researchers have found that children who lose a parent need two conditions to continue to thrive: a stable surviving caregiver to meet their emotional and physical needs, and open and honest communication about the death and its impact on the family. Sheer psychical care isn't enough. The child who can express her sadness and who feels secure in her environment is the one most likely to integrate the loss and avoid serious ongoing distress."- Motherless Daughters

When I read that statement, it really hit me hard. My father died when I was six. Those conditions surely were not met, I ran to my Grandma when I could but she wasn't my full time caregiver. I cant remember anyone really talking to me about losing my father. I think everyone thought it was no big deal since we didn't live together. As I got older I asked questions, put some of the sad pieces together. On and off as an adult i have mourned the loss of my father. Its almost like I can never fully grieve it though. I am not sure why. Maybe because I was never around his family, or because there is this curiosity in me, of who he was or who he would have been in my life.

I try to plow through this book, and I simply can't. I am just not there yet, Its too sad for me, to read all these stories of loss.
The journey of losing my Grandmother is going to be a long one, and that is what it is. I cry often for her, its hard for me to go to the store, I can still picture her in her chair at home or working in the thrift store,.
I watched Tyler Perry's Speech for Whitney Houston, and it just made me cry, but it also reminded me how much my Grandma loved the Lord. How she dedicated her life to the church, and serving. Such a humble , sweet, generous loving soul. Each day in her sickness she lit her Saint Jude candle, read her prayer cards, had her church friends come read the bible with her, and while still coherent her priest came into her home to read her last rights.
My Grandma was ready to go home to the Lord when she passed.
I had a vision last night that My Grandma and Dad are together, and she told him how much i always loved and missed him.
Maybe its silly or maybe its true.


  1. It is absolutely not silly. I think that is a beautiful message, be it something coming to you from the other side or from your own Psyche. Love lives on, whether you knew someone for a minute or a lifetime. I'm reading a book right now and in it a mother loses her young son. She wonders when she will ever stop grieving and her friends tells her that she will always grieve, but with time it will hurt less. Those are my same words to you. You will never get over the loss of your grandma, but with time the wound will get smaller and you'll be able to focus more on the joy you felt while she was living rather than the pain you feel now that she is gone. Just hang in there, Nicole!! ((hugs))

  2. My Grandma passed away almost 7 years ago. It was the most heart wrenching experienced I had ever gone through. My mom was in so much agony. The biggest regret I ever had was not being able to see her in person before her passing. She was my inspiration and the reason why i thrived so much in life. I wanted to personally tell her how much i appreciate her kind words and advice. Even till this day, i think about her almost constantly. I feel no matter what i do or how much i accomplish, it's never the same without sharing it with her.
    Thanks for sharing...its helps to know I'm not alone.