I hate to write about this, but stopping the stigma of mental illness is a passion of mine, and I would be going against my values if I wasnt honest. If one person read this and realized they are not alone, that would be enough.
Our current generation is very obssessed with suicidal ideation, passive suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self harm, panic attacks ect.
Statistics currently show that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused. What happens is it never gets healed or recognized and well look at us millinealls now.
Suicide is the 3rd largest killer among our generation. Death by suicide is #10 while homocide is #16, Every 13 seconds someone is taken from us.
Its serious people, it can happen to anyone. It doesnt matter how on top of the world you feel, you are not protected. Educate yourself, talk about it, if you know a friend isnt theirself reach out! Dont judge or disown them because they arent themseleves or making poor decissions , its a disease. You cant see it through the human eye but please do your research and do something to help. If a friend you know is down, and they call ANSWER!!!!!! It could be their last call before they make the choice.
I called 4 friends before I attempted to end my life last sunday. Not one answer. It was my fault for not calling the suicide line, but I clearly was not thinking properly. I was determined to die and prayed out loud to Jesus the entire time to please forgive me. Well like always I can hear Jesus saying "nope Nicole, not now, you mean too much and that is why the enemey will not leave you alone, your my daughter and here for great purpose". ( just my imagination). I cant see those things- with no support system or family you cant help but wonder.
Well i called 911 and went to an inpatient facility, it wasnt malibu or Aspen but it helped. To be around people, that you may have never known, yet you connect, laugh, and cry together... Well it was a Godsend. All of my doctors were great- we had group therapy for hours a day.. It was like a family of non judgmental, understanding, loving people that just met you.
I can only take one day at a time right now. I had to move in with a friend in Waco and its constant chaos, and makes me ill. But I try to cope the best I can.
I have no clue what my future holds and when i lost my Grandparents I guess i lost my mind. I am a smart, funny, generous, honest woman and with God, all things are possible.
One very sad note is, i text my mom and sister before going in. Have they called me? Did they call me there? Will my mother answer my phone call or text . NO! That's heartbreaking, and very solid proof i mean nothing to them, they would have no idea if i was dead, and lack of actions show me that. Which will always be painful.
So please reach out when you need help. Or answer your phone when someone is in crisis.
If you read this and want to start drama, thats fine. I am unashamed.
NLC
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
Waco... Huuuhhh?
4am still up- already had my energy surge and cooked, cleaned.. Now i cant stop chewing on ice... And yes i know im severely anemic and very anxious. Wondering what life will be like in small town Waco... Very nervous.... Excited for small town nice people... Trying to get my fasfa processed so i can go to school. Lord, i do not know what you have planned for me, but please lead me to your plan and give me clarity to see it. In Jesus name youll get me through this long valley Amen! 👍🏻😇🙇👼
Monday, May 18, 2015
Its all about you, Jesus
Sometimes, I wish this blog was private, then I could be totally transparent. Then no one would read it. Although I dont know what anyone reads it because they actually care about my life.
So much is happening lately, most probably would not even believe so much could go on with one person at once.
I am listening to worship music, praying for a week of chaos i must face. I often wonder: mentally how much can one person take all on their own?
The Lord has to have a plan for me, because the devil is on overtime. Attacking me in every possibly direction. In my head I know that means, I have something special to offer, otherwise I would have died a long time ago. The devil doesnt attack those that are not special and unique to Jesus. He already ownes those indaviduals. I know God has purpose for my life, there are some very intelligent people that tell me how much I have to offer and how smart I am. I am just ready to put that into motion. I want to serve the Lord and walk out his plan. I just feel so lost, I feel like every choice I make is a dumb one. My anxiety is so high, that means I am not trusting the Lord, but I do not mean that to be the case.
Everyone always says how strong and brave I am, but its just not in my heart.....
I guess I am up, feeling really anxious and sad. Missing my Grandparents like always and just want to ramble.
I will be stuck in Tx longer than i wanted, and I really want to go to school in the fall , so this week I plan to get three years of taxes done, so I can do the fasfa and go to CC in the fall, and then transfer to Austin CC.
That is the tentative plan. My life is so hectic, I cant make many plans, which also fuels my anxiety. I have too much to offer this world, a strong testimony and a true will to help others and that is what i need to do.
I am going to read my bible and attempt sleep. xxx God Bless.
So much is happening lately, most probably would not even believe so much could go on with one person at once.
I am listening to worship music, praying for a week of chaos i must face. I often wonder: mentally how much can one person take all on their own?
The Lord has to have a plan for me, because the devil is on overtime. Attacking me in every possibly direction. In my head I know that means, I have something special to offer, otherwise I would have died a long time ago. The devil doesnt attack those that are not special and unique to Jesus. He already ownes those indaviduals. I know God has purpose for my life, there are some very intelligent people that tell me how much I have to offer and how smart I am. I am just ready to put that into motion. I want to serve the Lord and walk out his plan. I just feel so lost, I feel like every choice I make is a dumb one. My anxiety is so high, that means I am not trusting the Lord, but I do not mean that to be the case.
Everyone always says how strong and brave I am, but its just not in my heart.....
I guess I am up, feeling really anxious and sad. Missing my Grandparents like always and just want to ramble.
I will be stuck in Tx longer than i wanted, and I really want to go to school in the fall , so this week I plan to get three years of taxes done, so I can do the fasfa and go to CC in the fall, and then transfer to Austin CC.
That is the tentative plan. My life is so hectic, I cant make many plans, which also fuels my anxiety. I have too much to offer this world, a strong testimony and a true will to help others and that is what i need to do.
I am going to read my bible and attempt sleep. xxx God Bless.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
My living situation
So let me brief you; I moved to Texas making about 45k and living in the addison circle. Paying 1200 a month for a one bedroom for a very nice, safe community.
Due to my health, I lost my job, and lost everything.
I now live in THE worst area of Dallas, S Dallas. In fact when the owner lived here people did break in while her kids were there. so honestly, you really should be paying nothing to live here, I cant walk my dogs or drive around, being the only white girl, people are very racist here.
So she messaged me on IG from couponing and told me she had a room to rent. Everyone told me not to of ALL nationalities. that it was dangerous and not safe for me to be here, but I had to do what I had to do.
When i got here, this place was disgusting, my bathroom and bathtub were black, the doors were black. For literally a week me and a friend came here, and scrubbed the heck out of this house. We worked our asses off. She offered to allow me to stay a couple months for free but I did not, I paid her.
I got rid of a living room full of her old trash, several people prior to me have come and gone and left food, trash, dishes and messes, and i cleaned it all I filled up two trash cans. i washed all the covers on the couch. the kitchen was full of old dishes with FOOD still on them , um disgusting?
I cleaned it ALL! (unpaid) We were infested with rats, to where their feces were on the kitchen table, and out of 4 people I am the ONLY one that cleans it up and did what i could, in fact i asked the owner to please come over so we could clean the front and back yard. I worked my ass off, I was in dire pain, we had so much trash and debree it filled about 20 black trash bags (no pay) I do these things out of the goodness of my heart and I honor the Lord. No white girl in their right mind would live here but I just pray nightly for protection, through the gunshots and all. I have bought and planted peppermint to try and deter future rats, I have bought and used all my cleaners, I have cleaned, mopped the living room and kitchen none stop. never a thank you from anyone.
Also my room is the only one downstairs with my bathroom, the guy up stairs has a bathroom right next to him. so she showers there, but uses mine to use the restroom, yet showers upstairs. Why is that allowed?
He will not put the toilet down, or clean after is hair or piss, doesnt clean the bathroom all just to drive me nuts.
lately he has antagonized me in full force. he slams the toilet seats up at 6am, as my room is right across. My room is this make shift room some tweaker built , so i can hear everything above me including when people above me do "things".
I am truly the only one who cares about this home, because thats how i was raised, I have spent money buying lightbulbs and other things, I dont even think our smoke alarms work, nice huh? People that could care less and just want a pay check disgust me.
I even when to the owners home on Christmas, gave a gift, have been very nice to her children.
Recently our garbage disposal broke. I asked for a month to please fix it. I put a note saying " please do not let food get down there. did they listen ? NO there was so much food sitting there, that our house is infested with gnats. I have cleaned everything, put apple cider vinegar, everything. It doesnt matter, they are multiplying each time they land. It is disgusting to even cook. I have really never seen anything like this, they are even in my bathroom!!!!!
A young hispanic couple moved in and i have been nothing but nice to them, I made room for them in the kitchen, showed them around... was that my job? ( no thank you )
I have taken her to church, given her things, been so so so sweet. Yet the owner lied and said he said he didnt like me. NO what he said is he didnt like the Drama with me and carlos.
So Carlos, a family friend of the owner, a very akward 30 year old single male, who happens to be very nasty, 6 months and I have never seen him wash his bedding. He doesnt believe in cleaning or mopping.
Now i stay in my room about 90% of the time, we have no tv and the other 10% I am cleaning weather my mess or not.
So Carlos I did befriend, before knowing he is a two faced, lying , backstabber. As if his drunk ass has any room to talk.
so daily he would show me pictures of half naked woman on his phone, i asked him to stop, and he wouldnt... and it was daily, I got sick of it. What makes you think i want to see women with fake boobs daily? Also he wanted to add my on FB and I said no, I was nice, I just said I dont trust you with my business, so id rather not.
Well because of this, he got all mad at me, will not talk, and took the wifi away from me, and even crumbled my money in a ball and threw it at my door. um are we 2 years old? now I am the second person he has done this to. Probably a sign he should not be in charge of the internet. Be professional you dont have to like your roommates, but keep business what it is.
Now i have not run to the owner to tell her all the little things they do because she will just say oh well just move. she truly does not care about her home in any way shape or form. I have never seen anything like this. In fact when Carlos was putting on a show and i was his friend, he was going to move out. yet stupid me talked him into staying. huge mistake. Now she wants to blame me that he wants to move. she blames me for everything.
Then there is this nasty ass gay man that lives here, I have literally seen him twice, and you know why he doesnt like me? because i caught him stealing my sodas, that he never replaced. The funny thing is she told me he has no car and cant get here, but now she wants to blame me for him not being here. Ironic, my gay friends have told me everyone hates him, he is disgusting, he goes out alone, and is nasty wearing the same clothes daily. and Carlos has one friend the owners brother. yet you want to blame me? what a joke, i should be beyond appreciated. however, if someone doesnt care about their home, they arent gonna care if you take care of.
so today she has gone off on my for whatever reason, and when ive called her out on her lies she says " stop texing me " your harassing me" I have not threatened her or hurt her, how is texting your landlord harassment? oh because she doesnt want to deal with anything regarding this house, she doesnt want to be bothered.
the biggest kicker, is she is supposedly a true JW, could have fooled me, she has not handled renting her home in a Godly form in any way,
I can only handle so much before i go off, I am antagonized daily, no joke by carlos, what the heck do expect????
Bye the way the gay man got in a huge fight with Carlos, and killed his cat, and countless people have lived here before me. Yet you want to blame me? lol joke!
maybe if she was more professional, clean, and set some house rules she would attract clean, normal people as myself.
OH and then she wants tobring up my insomnia in it to put me down, this is a 40 years Jehovah Witness yet others get drunk beyond belief and leave their cans in the driveway. You really have some nerve. Its ok, God knows every single detail. Thank you Jesus. Amen
Due to my health, I lost my job, and lost everything.
I now live in THE worst area of Dallas, S Dallas. In fact when the owner lived here people did break in while her kids were there. so honestly, you really should be paying nothing to live here, I cant walk my dogs or drive around, being the only white girl, people are very racist here.
So she messaged me on IG from couponing and told me she had a room to rent. Everyone told me not to of ALL nationalities. that it was dangerous and not safe for me to be here, but I had to do what I had to do.
When i got here, this place was disgusting, my bathroom and bathtub were black, the doors were black. For literally a week me and a friend came here, and scrubbed the heck out of this house. We worked our asses off. She offered to allow me to stay a couple months for free but I did not, I paid her.
I got rid of a living room full of her old trash, several people prior to me have come and gone and left food, trash, dishes and messes, and i cleaned it all I filled up two trash cans. i washed all the covers on the couch. the kitchen was full of old dishes with FOOD still on them , um disgusting?
I cleaned it ALL! (unpaid) We were infested with rats, to where their feces were on the kitchen table, and out of 4 people I am the ONLY one that cleans it up and did what i could, in fact i asked the owner to please come over so we could clean the front and back yard. I worked my ass off, I was in dire pain, we had so much trash and debree it filled about 20 black trash bags (no pay) I do these things out of the goodness of my heart and I honor the Lord. No white girl in their right mind would live here but I just pray nightly for protection, through the gunshots and all. I have bought and planted peppermint to try and deter future rats, I have bought and used all my cleaners, I have cleaned, mopped the living room and kitchen none stop. never a thank you from anyone.
Also my room is the only one downstairs with my bathroom, the guy up stairs has a bathroom right next to him. so she showers there, but uses mine to use the restroom, yet showers upstairs. Why is that allowed?
He will not put the toilet down, or clean after is hair or piss, doesnt clean the bathroom all just to drive me nuts.
lately he has antagonized me in full force. he slams the toilet seats up at 6am, as my room is right across. My room is this make shift room some tweaker built , so i can hear everything above me including when people above me do "things".
I am truly the only one who cares about this home, because thats how i was raised, I have spent money buying lightbulbs and other things, I dont even think our smoke alarms work, nice huh? People that could care less and just want a pay check disgust me.
I even when to the owners home on Christmas, gave a gift, have been very nice to her children.
Recently our garbage disposal broke. I asked for a month to please fix it. I put a note saying " please do not let food get down there. did they listen ? NO there was so much food sitting there, that our house is infested with gnats. I have cleaned everything, put apple cider vinegar, everything. It doesnt matter, they are multiplying each time they land. It is disgusting to even cook. I have really never seen anything like this, they are even in my bathroom!!!!!
A young hispanic couple moved in and i have been nothing but nice to them, I made room for them in the kitchen, showed them around... was that my job? ( no thank you )
I have taken her to church, given her things, been so so so sweet. Yet the owner lied and said he said he didnt like me. NO what he said is he didnt like the Drama with me and carlos.
So Carlos, a family friend of the owner, a very akward 30 year old single male, who happens to be very nasty, 6 months and I have never seen him wash his bedding. He doesnt believe in cleaning or mopping.
Now i stay in my room about 90% of the time, we have no tv and the other 10% I am cleaning weather my mess or not.
So Carlos I did befriend, before knowing he is a two faced, lying , backstabber. As if his drunk ass has any room to talk.
so daily he would show me pictures of half naked woman on his phone, i asked him to stop, and he wouldnt... and it was daily, I got sick of it. What makes you think i want to see women with fake boobs daily? Also he wanted to add my on FB and I said no, I was nice, I just said I dont trust you with my business, so id rather not.
Well because of this, he got all mad at me, will not talk, and took the wifi away from me, and even crumbled my money in a ball and threw it at my door. um are we 2 years old? now I am the second person he has done this to. Probably a sign he should not be in charge of the internet. Be professional you dont have to like your roommates, but keep business what it is.
Now i have not run to the owner to tell her all the little things they do because she will just say oh well just move. she truly does not care about her home in any way shape or form. I have never seen anything like this. In fact when Carlos was putting on a show and i was his friend, he was going to move out. yet stupid me talked him into staying. huge mistake. Now she wants to blame me that he wants to move. she blames me for everything.
Then there is this nasty ass gay man that lives here, I have literally seen him twice, and you know why he doesnt like me? because i caught him stealing my sodas, that he never replaced. The funny thing is she told me he has no car and cant get here, but now she wants to blame me for him not being here. Ironic, my gay friends have told me everyone hates him, he is disgusting, he goes out alone, and is nasty wearing the same clothes daily. and Carlos has one friend the owners brother. yet you want to blame me? what a joke, i should be beyond appreciated. however, if someone doesnt care about their home, they arent gonna care if you take care of.
so today she has gone off on my for whatever reason, and when ive called her out on her lies she says " stop texing me " your harassing me" I have not threatened her or hurt her, how is texting your landlord harassment? oh because she doesnt want to deal with anything regarding this house, she doesnt want to be bothered.
the biggest kicker, is she is supposedly a true JW, could have fooled me, she has not handled renting her home in a Godly form in any way,
I can only handle so much before i go off, I am antagonized daily, no joke by carlos, what the heck do expect????
Bye the way the gay man got in a huge fight with Carlos, and killed his cat, and countless people have lived here before me. Yet you want to blame me? lol joke!
maybe if she was more professional, clean, and set some house rules she would attract clean, normal people as myself.
OH and then she wants tobring up my insomnia in it to put me down, this is a 40 years Jehovah Witness yet others get drunk beyond belief and leave their cans in the driveway. You really have some nerve. Its ok, God knows every single detail. Thank you Jesus. Amen
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Humbling
Saturday, March 21, 2015
#dearme
#DEARME
Dear the young(er) me, you will endure a lot, the struggle will be real, however you have some amazing resilience. God blessed you with amazing Grandparents to teach you responsibility, strength, work ethic, honesty and morals. Your tragedies will contribute to your attitude, but dont be so hard on yourself. Your heart is warm as pie. You arent perfect, you are a sinner, you'll desperately want to change things about yourself, but the Lord created you before conception, and its ok to have flaws. People you love will reject you, abandoned you, and it will break your heart. You are a sensitive old soul and people will not understand you or like you. You have to except it, it is truly their loss. Stop worrying, God has purpose for your life. Take life one day at a time, try not to worry, and make your Grandparents proud. Love, the 33 year old you.🙏💁💖
- #june21 #sadday #lostthemboth #missingmygrandparents #rip #bestmaniveevermet #timeflies #iloveyougrandpa and every single thing you did for me since i was born, you loved me like your 7th child. Please watch over me 😓👼💔 oh and Grandparents day is after my birthday #fml #depression
- His first anniversary lands on Fathers Day, such a bummer.
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