Thursday, September 24, 2015

Daughters Day

Did you know there is a daughters day.
I would never get the words i deserve from my mother, but i am going to write a letter to me as if it were from her.

Dear Nicole,
HAPPY DAUGHTERS DAY, to a wonderful soul....a kind, generous, resilient,  strong, thoughtful, independent woman. My first beautiful baby girl, Grandma was the only one to witness your birth, and she couldn't get over how pretty you and your dark hair were.

You were a surprise, i wast too young for a baby, and not ready to stop my partying lifestyle. That is when you and Grandma's bond first started.

There are a lot of things I allowed to occur to you, that have damaged your mental health forever. I can never make up for those things. I was, and stupid, and honestly had no clue what i was doing as a mother. I loved my baby regardless.

I have never sat down and looked you in the eye and apologized for all the many things i put you through, if so maybe we can one day move forward and have a relationship. I am sorry I made you work from such a young age as i did speed and slept with various men, I am sorry I went to prison, I am sorry i never created a sisterly bond between you and stephanie the way I should have , rather than turn her against you....I am sorry for leaving you by the way side while she was my priority and all i ever cared about.  I am sorry for the neglect , and all the nights alone you endured. Much less the bullying and abuse from steve.

If i could erase all that i would. You are a walking imagine of your father and i know if he were here he would be very proud of you, the fact you are still alive after what you have endured is a miracle; A miracle from GOD he has a plan for you, or i would have stayed at that table at planned parent hood instead of leaving.
I am sorry i created no saving account for you from your ssi, instead i refused to work for whatever reason.  I know that would be all you would have of your dad, and I know he hates to see you struggle from above, I know it kill his giving heart.

I hope one day I have the courage to really say these things, so we can finally clear the air and hopefully move forward.

written by Nicole Lynn Wilder-Cramer

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