Mindfulness

This is something I read and discussed the other day.

Mindfulness is about keeping your awareness in the current moment most of the time. It is about being present and aware in your life today. Mindfulness would say the past is the past and the future isn't here yet.

What has happened in the past has already happened. It cant be changes. It is possible to learn from the past, reflect on the past, or just have a memory of the past.

since the future hasn't happened yet, there is no point in excessively worrying about what is to come. And yet, it is effective to plan and prepare for the future.

Being in the past and future mindfully or intentionally is optimal. If instead you live your life mindlessly in the past or future , you can miss out on really important things going on right now and end up regretting it later.

Mindfulness would say: If you are going to to spend time and energy focusing on the past and future; do it intentionally and with full awareness. However, spend most of your time in the present moment, in the here and now, in today. This allows you to fully experience your life as it happening, rather than what it was or what it might be.

Acne

Acne at 30, I seriously hope not. However, that's How I've started 2012 off! There are ups and downs with my skin, but when you are already insecure about your body, the last thing you need is shitty skin. I honestly have been dealing with serious cystic acne for about 14 years. Enough already! Prior to accutane i did all the other treatments, antibiotics, retinals, ect. In my 20's i did 2 rounds of accutane about 6 years apart. At this point I am kind of afraid to do it again. There is no long term research of the effects it can have on children born long after , even years after the mother has stopped. However in my endless search for a cure, this is all I have found that truly works. This isn't the cause of a girl not washing her face at night after wearing make up all day, or going to the gym and tanning with a face full of it. It unfortunately is very hereditary in my family.

Even being a fairly confident woman overall, If im not wearing make-up I will avoid looking at myself or anyone, much less a man, all day. In fact It takes force to get myself to walk into the cafeteria at work on those days. Days where I've worked 10 hours, and I cant sleep at night, and there just no time to put on my face.

I was desperate yesterday for some instant help for the evil living on my face, so I headed to my favorite Vietnamese skin care shop, in Little Saigon. She was nice, but the viet girls are brutally honest, they make me look like peaches and cream!

In her strong accent and broken English emphasizing how bad each acne was. Extractions with a needle so painful, i was ready to cry. "no pain no acne gone" she says. She even decided to show me the kleenex full of grossness shed removed from my face. Nice. You need to come every month! I know, ill try.

If you suffer from this, my heart goes out to you more then you know. I don't even know you, but when I see you on the street I want to cry and hug you. Someone loves you, whomever you may be...

I like this girl, and she does an amazing foundation routine!!!!

My Grandmas service.

Was on 12-02-2011, at the mission church on the Pala reservation . A tiny catholic church dating back to the 1800's. I think it turned out lovely. My aunt Kathleen put a lot of effort into it, and gave a wonderful eulogy. I was the only granddaughter that stood to say something, amongst my tears. I do wish more people would have come forward and shared their experiences, as we all have different ones with people.
I was very fortunate to have my dear friend Caroline take the day off work and drive with me there and drive me home. This was even more important as I had a few bourbon & 7's at the after gathering. My Grandmother asked for this drink the night before she died and never fulfilled the desire. My friend Jennifer also went out of her way to be there. This was really a big deal, I couldn't have done it without them. I mean, at the funeral my mom and sister sat separate from me. Nice huh?
Defiantly riding solo on that one. I'm really missing my grandma tonight, although I know I'll be mourning her for the rest if my life. Here is what I read and some photos.

Grandma,
You’ve always been my Angel, since the day I arrived with you by my side. A gift so great, only God could create. You showed me what unconditional love truly is. You loved me, forgave me, believed in my dreams and supported my desires. You embraced the task of taking care of me with an open heart. Your love is the only reason I am a strong confident woman today.
You were my best friend and the future is difficult to imagine without you. I will forever cherish our unique bond.
I wept for you as a little girl, and now as a grown woman will weep the same.
I love you Grandma.
Nicole Lynn

Let me tell you about....

I started this post on Sunday, November 20, 2011. My Grandmother died on Tuesday, November 22, 2011. She never saw it.

My FIRST tattoo!

It only took 30 years, that's rare in this part of the country. I've been thinking about tattoos a lot, for a while now. Initially I wanted my Fathers last name, as a first. I have my Mothers last name, ironically enough. My Dad's last name is Wilder. There are a few other things I know I want too, like "Lovely Lady" for my DMB love. Also a portrait piece of my Grandma.

However life is unexpected most the time, and with my sweet Gma's failing health, I thought this was most appropriate. I decided, I had to have it immediately. I am super impulsive once I have decided on something, if that makes any sense.

I have never had a strong pain tolerance, so i took some pain pills and and anxiety pill, and I was still freaking out. The guy was really chill though. I knew for a while i would go to one of the Low-rider locations, and probably the one white guy-with red hair did mine..

Yesterday

(11/12/11)

I had a presentation at work, it was about a product we offer. It was in front of several members of upper management. It was intended to be a team project, but it was something I mostly worked on. I put so much effort,heart and soul into it. I was really nervous about talking in front of these people solo, but it turned out really great.

right before this i received a text saying the Dr. advised my Grandpa, that My Grandma doesn't have long, and hospice will come. Do you know how hard this presentation was? I think on Friday I literally cried for 10 hours straight.

Every time I see her, she looks more ill then the last, it kills me. I sat next her, sobbing. Not knowing, if she was comprehending my words or not.

I told her several things, that I knew I'd regret if I didn't. I feel like there will always be some degree of regret with loss, any kind of loss. However you can do your best to eliminate what your aware of in the present.

It made her cry, when I told her about how she is the only reason I am alive and well today. She is my life, my love, the best woman Ill ever know. How she loves me and forgives me, believes in me, and how I am fearful I'll never find that again. I reminded her that she was in the delivery room when I was born, just her and my mom. She loved my dark hair, she loved telling me about how i walked up her steps on teal avenue. I said everything on my mind and heart.

I don't care how often people tell me about the circle of life and how much shes lived, she isn't ready to die. My Grandpa isn't ready to lose her. At 30 years old, I am just not prepared to give up the love of my life.

I told her I would tell my kids about her, and how she loved me, how I am going to get her picture tattooed on me.

Hospice is now helping my Grandpa out, and its bittersweet. He needed the help, badly. Hospice also means you will die soon.

I pray he will call me as soon as he knows the time has come.

My Grandma is still alive, and I am a complete mess. All kinds of weird things are happening to me physically. Its very hard for me to be at work. Every time someone asks me anything about her, i cry. I feared this time, my whole life.

I guess there are some various stages of dealing with loss, as well. I've been abandon so many times in my life, that this feels similar. It has brought on some anger. Angry that a couple people who i thought were friends, people who have even known my Grandma for years, have not even had the decency to pick up the phone. No "hey Nicole how are you, are you okay, would you like a drink, a dance, coffee, movie..." people I have been generous to, when I could less then afford it. I know I am far from perfect, but I really do try. Yes my honesty ruins it for me often. My mind just does not grasp this, because I would never treat someone this way if i was aware. When it comes to something serious, the internet and facebook, they really don't count as means of connecting, in fact I think its bullshit.

I'm just grateful I have my babies to come home to.

Celebrate love while its here

Bitches be crazy'

No really, really, they are.

I am so glad I don't deal with many any more, I truly am. I had recently added someone to facebook, who really I knew from an ex friend. We were never really friends, and I added her out of warmth, and wanting to congratulate her. Nothing malicious, just nice and simple. Well unknown to me, she apparently knows me, my character and personalty more then anyone. Although I haven't even seen her in like years. Funny. Whats even better, her rant on my "hater" comment, is another perfect example of what hater females are. The girl we knew each other through did nothing but bash this woman, 24-7, yet they are still "friends", yet i should be learning a lesson. Wow. I swear, insecure women, just trip me out, and the mean insecure girls, who really hate themselves can continue to have themselves. I will leave this earth being hated for who i am before i leave being loved who I am not.

People who truly love who they are, get and love me, and that is very few in this world, but its enough for me.

Thanks Queen desperate for confirming bitches be hatin' and nothing has changed :)

Super Mom Super Friend

This may sound cheesy or silly to some, but I simply feel the need to spotlight my friend Kristin.

I miss my friend terribly, whom I haven't even seen in about 10 years, and her adorable baby who I haven't even met!

There is a lot i truly admire about this woman, from her honesty, how well rounded she is, the mom she is, and most importantly the friend she is to me. We see eye to eye on a lot of things. I guess this subject is so important for me, because I have a low tolerance for people, and surface friends. I am generous, loyal, honest to a fault, and will love you. However after you use me, and are selfish for so long, I simply am done.

The awesome thing about Mr and Mrs. George is they actually are happy, they truly like themselves and their lives, because of this, they really appreciate me and the things I have to offer.

Kristin, thank you for inspiring me to be a better person, and listening. I love you .

Nicole.

"Friendship is when people know all about you, but like you anyway".