Man up, woman up

We often tell men to "man up, be a man" "be a real man" ect ect ect

Well at what point do we say "woman up?" "be a woman".

I have thought of the is entire concept for years, in my time around tactless girls, two faced bitches and fake to the 8th degree.that is all fine and dandy , i decided women and the drama seem to get worse with age by a long shot. I am fine with that. Its ok, I began to separate myself from people to an extreme.

I recently took several months off facebook, because for me the icing on the cake really occurred. I have known both these woman since HS and we had all become pretty good friends, I mean for knowing each other in "real life" not "facebook" life. We even had a mini reunion at the "nice" girls home. Very gracious of her.

Now the "mean" girl i instinctively decided to end contact with, and she wasn't the friend i excepted or deserved. we all know when i feel that way i just cut the ties, its harsh but its ME. ALL ME NICOLE, nothing fake about it.

Well I had been apart of various face book groups, and randomly saw one titled "baby crazy"

I had zero expectations, no clue what was being posted, just wanted to check it out

Well my FRIEND, who just adopted a baby in Texas, I literally had dinner with the family days prior to this FB post.

I joined the group and i see a very LONG post completely bashing my friend, her family, her baby, her parenting, in every way possible.... it wasn't like "im annoyed , im irritated" it was deep, deep heart  wrenching insults, bashes on character, really below the belt.
comments that all seem to come from a deep hate , anger, jealousy, and envy,

Envy because all that matters to this woman is the number of babies she can produce, i mean how dare they go adopt so easily, how unfair!

Well you are wrong, this couple more than deserves, these are good people, and every parent has their own way of being a mom and dad.

this woman lives her life online completely, complains about her family, her mommy groups, her in laws, and if shes pregnant or not. I mean GET A FUCKING LIFE.
So because i stick up for my dear friend on the post, she has all her "internet bullies" send me emails harassing me, and on and on.
like really grow up, be a WOMAN!!!


The reason  i still l decided to post this, is because its something that still bothers me.The lack of apology bothers me, the judgement bothers me, the bitter-ness bothers me, and the immaturity you are capable of when you have been in this woman's home is mind baffling.

if a so called friend can do this to  one, she can do it to others, don't be fooled!

WOMAN UP, Make a public apology to us, and to me for having your "internet" friends get involved,admit your wrong doings! Your life isn't so bad, none of us have everything we want, but that's no reason to tear someone apart for having something you want. I truly hope you learned from this!

Moving on up

Yup!
I am Moving to Texas!

Tomorrow, well today actually is my last day at our Costa Mesa office. Wednesday I will pack my car, and Thursday all on my own I will drive away from the lovely state of California. Pretty brave, id say. I have wanted to leave CA for so long. I first realized this wasn't the place for me years ago when I went to Boston . The desire to leave grows daily, and I am constantly reminded why this place is not for me.

It will take time to adjust, no doubt. Its very different, but I really feel like almost nothing could be worse than here.
The Quality of life all around, is just better in Texas.
People are nicer, friendlier, less self absorbed from what i noticed. The cost of living is a phenomenal difference. There are no state taxes, there are jobs! I mean you can actually get ahead in life, get out of debt, buy a house you can afford, your children can go to good schools,  list just goes on.
A starbucks employee even told me to have a blessed day! I mean in CA, you would probably be sued for saying that!
Ultimately who knows where i am destined to be, however in my heart I know I am making a step in the right direction.  I am so ready for an entirely fresh start. I am ready to move on from a very dysfunctional family, men and "friends" that belong in the past and all the other superficial pressures of orange county. I am leaving the emotional baggage when I go. Just me, my car, dogs and clothes that is all I've invited to come along.
I had my last visit with my doctor on Friday. The last few years I've told her everything, the good, bad, dark depths of my soul. She encouraged me every step of the way,always  reminding me of the good, honest person . She taught me not to be so hard on myself, and that no I am not as crazy as i think at times. She also assured me how ready I am to leave, and  move on. I admire and respect this lady to an ultimate degree, and I am going to miss her like crazy.

The goodbye's with friends started last weekend. Pamela and Dawn came up from San Diego and we went shopping, out dancing, brunch at taco rosa, and it was fabulous.
Saturday night I had my going away party , dinner then dancing. It was a huge success  and I had a blast of course with the help of Patron.
My heart was warmed by the presence of so many people coming to say goodbye, and have a good time with me. It was beyond my expectations, and it really made me feel so good. I just have to say people drove out of their way, people married, people with kids, those that don't even dance or drink, and they still made the effort to see me. THAT is a friend. I don't ask much from people, but showing up is half the battle and if you cant do that a few times a year, well aint'' nobody got time for that!

Tomorrow I will say goodbye to people I have seen daily for the last 6 years. The tears already started today. I have met some really amazing people in my time there, and some I will really miss.

So take a risk, follow your dreams, and wish me the best.

xoxo

Bullies, bullies, bullies

October is national anti-bullying month.
I have posted about my passion to end bullying for a long time. I have talked about several life changing events as a child and as an adult. Its no surprise I believe in people, especially women being more supportive of one another, and less competitive.
Its funny, the happier I am, the more i attract bullies. Maybe its my confidence and the fact that my weight doesn't stop me from doing what i want, speaking the truth, or standing up for what I believe in.
I have especially had a bad experience at a "size acceptance" bar I have been going to for years, and in my work environment. Funny both of those places are filled with miserable, insecure, catty women. If you confront someone in a bathroom for any reason, yes you are a bully. If you stalk my every move and post, yes you are a bully.
I recently was with friends at knotts scary farm, and we had a terrible experience the entire night really. Apparently these "monsters" that work there are now present day bullies. Apparently from what they told me, they are paid to be mean. I always thought it was to scare and frighten. Guess that wasn't enough anymore. The employees made several remarks insulting weight, appearance, and sexuality.
What went on, wasn't right and very hostile. I did my part in standing up for the right thing. If you talk to me personally you know what  I am referring to.
Obviously by the news , we can see the extreme effects bullying has on young people today and their mental health. Suicide, self harming, shootings, Its totally out of control. However how can we really expect this to change and when adults set the example?! I mean it makes no sense. An adult should be the bigger, respectful person, not the instigator.
If you know someone is suffering, of any age, please reach out to them.You never know who you may help.

http://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/in-the-community/community-action-planning/index.html

Party Idea-Retro Cowgirl

I have this current obsession with having a retro cowgirl themed party.
It seriously will not get out of my damn head.
If I was having a birthday party, this would be it. Although I am the queen of themed parties, its hard to get others to dress up.
I just think the attire, and party decor would be fabulous.

My vision is an outdoor party including the following:
Hay for sitting
Gingham table clothes
Old school country music
BBQ food, including watermelon triangles and corn on the cob
Galvanized buckets for drinks
Root bear bottles
Red bandannas
Those old school stick ponies
Mason jars, probably on the tables with candles
twirling, if i knew how

I want it to feel like you are at a vintage western party, not too juvenile. IF I move to Texas, and throw myself a party, ill do this for sure.

Dear California,

I doubt our relationship is going to last very long.
Yes, I was born and raised here, and pretty much lived all over southern California. However I am just an old soul, and you and I are like oil and water.
I've never felt like I belong in this state, I am far from a beach girl, I grew up in poverty, too fat to be popular, and too friendly to be here.
Even to this day, if I walk into a bar in the Newport/Mesa area, everyone stares at me. Like I am something they've never seen. I only go out when I am done up, so one night i really couldn't figure out why? I looked around and realized I was the only girl with black hair, much less being thick and having a dark lip.
Don't even try making friendly conversation with someone you don't know. They'll either think you are hitting on them, or just crazy.

Also I do not smoke, anything!!!! I am blue in the face with everyone's obsession with marijuana here. Get.the.fuck.over.it.people. God created better things.

I will never afford a home here, and I am clearly not what a rich man wants in this state, so I have to think about my own future. I make decent money, and it somehow evaporates. The taxes for a single person are insane. I am so sick of living in random rooms, ghettos, and places. I want to work and afford a decent apartment, that is clean and safe. I think I deserve this.

Years ago when I first went to Boston, I fell in love. I knew California wasn't for me. If I could afford B-town, id be there. I've been to Boston 3 times, NYC once, and Washington.

I am so over the demanding people here, they speak to you like you owe them something and as of yesterday at that. Since I work on the phone all day, some of these people just make me sick. The only time I've heard a "yes mam/thank you mam" is on a Texas call. Imagine that.
I've never been to Texas, and  I am at a point where I don't even care.
If I had a choice, I would move to Austin. In order to transfer my job, I have to go to Irving, Texas. It is outside of Dallas. There are tons of job, and nice affordable housing. Its very hard to find a job from another state, unless you have some special skills.

Leaving my Grandparents was something I could never even imagine. Since losing my Grandma, I feel more alone than ever. I need some major life changes to occur to get my joy back. I heard her voice when she died, just saying "go Nicole, go, you are free now"...
I don't know anyone, and I will miss my Grandpa deeply, but something has got to give.

My current plan is to see what it takes to transfer, and if i can, and go from there.

Sunny week

This week I enjoyed some much needed fun in the sun! Hello its summer!
Based on my almost iridescent skin , you could say I really don't see much sun light. Although my vitamin D is low, and since i don't drink milk, the sun is the next best thing.
Just kidding.
well, not about the milk.
The pale skin is not only healthier, but it kind of goes along with my look as well.

Monday Briana picked me up and we headed to the beach, I enjoyed seeing her family and had a great time. Except  my poor red chest, yikes!
I have to say, it was super busy, and this lady was trying to sale her parking spot for $10!!! I mean i thought about picking up this second job, but with my luck the Newport PD would catch me immediately.

Today Pamela invited me to her friends house, I mean castle for a pool party. Its a spectacular place  in the hills of San Diego. We hung out in the lovely pool, ate, drank and talked for hours. I wish i had some better photos, but it was hard with the sun and my phone.

It was lovely hanging out with these women. I don't live near either, so i really value the time we can spend together.
Its also really important for me to have quality women in my life right now. Plus who knows how long ill be in California, so i have to make the best of whats around.

Props

I am a big YouTube fan, no doubt. Mostly my attention goes to fashion, makeup, beauty, music and some other randoms.
This gal came up in the right sidebar, so i clicked! She literally makes me laugh hysterically in all her videos, I love her sense of humor. Its right up my alley!

It really makes me happy when people are honest and open about depression and anxiety. Hearing people talk about it is always really refreshing. Honestly I truly think it needs to be done more often.  I am obviously one of those people who puts things out there, i am very honest and straight forward and open about this disease. Yes I know it has pushed people away, and that is totally fine. I am on a constant route of improvement, and trying new things to deal with this.

I think a lot of self harm, stems from those who cant be open about what they suffer from. I can say I haven't gotten to the point of any physical self harm, or street drug use at this point. So you can hate me and what i stand for, but with the genetics in my family, I am pretty shocked I have yet to fall into that trap.
Grateful for sure.

If I could afford a good camera and imac i would be making videos, about a number of things,  but mental health issues would surely be one of them.
Another good site to those who feel alone, is http://us.reachout.com/
I've come across a lot of people dependent on anti anxieties/depressants/marijuana, yet never face the underlining issue. Obviously I don't have a problem with prescription drugs, under the care of a doctor. However most people don't really face whats going on, don't talk about it, refuse to get therapy or make no  life changes. There are women i work with  that will pop a Xanax, but who knows the last time they saw a psychiatrist. Hello, kind of a problem.
Genetically, I have a ridiculously high drug tolerance. Almost nothing helps. Talking to someone however, is helpful. My psychiatrist is my favorite person, literally. She truly sees the good in me, and makes me laugh. Its fabulous. One day Ill move on and hopefully wont need her, but i don't really even want that to happen haaha.
Anyway my point was, I really really really love this fun girl from Texas! I hope someone else can get something out of her as well.

 Its estimated 1 out of 10 US adults suffer from depression.

http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety 
Anxiety disorders are the most common psychiatric illnesses affecting children and adults. An estimated 40 million American adults suffer from anxiety disorders. Only about one-third of those suffering from an anxiety disorder receive treatment, even though the disorders are highly treatable