Yesterday

(11/12/11)

I had a presentation at work, it was about a product we offer. It was in front of several members of upper management. It was intended to be a team project, but it was something I mostly worked on. I put so much effort,heart and soul into it. I was really nervous about talking in front of these people solo, but it turned out really great.

right before this i received a text saying the Dr. advised my Grandpa, that My Grandma doesn't have long, and hospice will come. Do you know how hard this presentation was? I think on Friday I literally cried for 10 hours straight.

Every time I see her, she looks more ill then the last, it kills me. I sat next her, sobbing. Not knowing, if she was comprehending my words or not.

I told her several things, that I knew I'd regret if I didn't. I feel like there will always be some degree of regret with loss, any kind of loss. However you can do your best to eliminate what your aware of in the present.

It made her cry, when I told her about how she is the only reason I am alive and well today. She is my life, my love, the best woman Ill ever know. How she loves me and forgives me, believes in me, and how I am fearful I'll never find that again. I reminded her that she was in the delivery room when I was born, just her and my mom. She loved my dark hair, she loved telling me about how i walked up her steps on teal avenue. I said everything on my mind and heart.

I don't care how often people tell me about the circle of life and how much shes lived, she isn't ready to die. My Grandpa isn't ready to lose her. At 30 years old, I am just not prepared to give up the love of my life.

I told her I would tell my kids about her, and how she loved me, how I am going to get her picture tattooed on me.

Hospice is now helping my Grandpa out, and its bittersweet. He needed the help, badly. Hospice also means you will die soon.

I pray he will call me as soon as he knows the time has come.

My Grandma is still alive, and I am a complete mess. All kinds of weird things are happening to me physically. Its very hard for me to be at work. Every time someone asks me anything about her, i cry. I feared this time, my whole life.

I guess there are some various stages of dealing with loss, as well. I've been abandon so many times in my life, that this feels similar. It has brought on some anger. Angry that a couple people who i thought were friends, people who have even known my Grandma for years, have not even had the decency to pick up the phone. No "hey Nicole how are you, are you okay, would you like a drink, a dance, coffee, movie..." people I have been generous to, when I could less then afford it. I know I am far from perfect, but I really do try. Yes my honesty ruins it for me often. My mind just does not grasp this, because I would never treat someone this way if i was aware. When it comes to something serious, the internet and facebook, they really don't count as means of connecting, in fact I think its bullshit.

I'm just grateful I have my babies to come home to.

Celebrate love while its here

Bitches be crazy'

No really, really, they are.

I am so glad I don't deal with many any more, I truly am. I had recently added someone to facebook, who really I knew from an ex friend. We were never really friends, and I added her out of warmth, and wanting to congratulate her. Nothing malicious, just nice and simple. Well unknown to me, she apparently knows me, my character and personalty more then anyone. Although I haven't even seen her in like years. Funny. Whats even better, her rant on my "hater" comment, is another perfect example of what hater females are. The girl we knew each other through did nothing but bash this woman, 24-7, yet they are still "friends", yet i should be learning a lesson. Wow. I swear, insecure women, just trip me out, and the mean insecure girls, who really hate themselves can continue to have themselves. I will leave this earth being hated for who i am before i leave being loved who I am not.

People who truly love who they are, get and love me, and that is very few in this world, but its enough for me.

Thanks Queen desperate for confirming bitches be hatin' and nothing has changed :)

Super Mom Super Friend

This may sound cheesy or silly to some, but I simply feel the need to spotlight my friend Kristin.

I miss my friend terribly, whom I haven't even seen in about 10 years, and her adorable baby who I haven't even met!

There is a lot i truly admire about this woman, from her honesty, how well rounded she is, the mom she is, and most importantly the friend she is to me. We see eye to eye on a lot of things. I guess this subject is so important for me, because I have a low tolerance for people, and surface friends. I am generous, loyal, honest to a fault, and will love you. However after you use me, and are selfish for so long, I simply am done.

The awesome thing about Mr and Mrs. George is they actually are happy, they truly like themselves and their lives, because of this, they really appreciate me and the things I have to offer.

Kristin, thank you for inspiring me to be a better person, and listening. I love you .

Nicole.

"Friendship is when people know all about you, but like you anyway".

Happy Birthday Drake

Can you believe Drake just turned 25? Wow. I can't imagine already have living so much by that age. The money, lifestyle, women, its just insane . I love him, and his real name Aubrey Drake Graham.

He went from making just 8 million dollars in 2009 to 115 million in 2011, per Forbes. All I can say is, get it Drizzy.

I cannot wait for his new album which comes out on November 15, and I will purchase immediately. There are already 3 brilliant tracks released . Marvins room, Make me proud (Ft. Nicki Minaj), and Headlines. Drake and I share a love for strippers, ciroc, a good club, and Nicki. Most of all I feel like him singing this song. Only I am a female. This song, just feels extremely familiar to my life right now. I truly hope I get to see him and the rest of Young Money live one day. That would be a dream come true.

Bitches in my old phone
I should call one and go home
I’ve been in this club too long
The woman that I would try
Is happy with a good guy

But I’ve been drinking so much
That I’ma call her anyway and say
“F-ck that nigga that you love so bad
I know you still think about the times we had”
I say “f-ck that nigga that you think you found
And since you picked up I know he’s not around

Are you drunk right now?

I'm just saying you could do better,

and ill start hating only if you make me'

Mascara Review

So cover girl lash blast, in the orange tube was my favorite for a while. I recently tried L'oreal million lashes, in the gold tube, however. That stuff is awesome!! Highly recommend. It has the same type of applicator, a hard rubber. So its sturdy when you apply. You actually should apply several coats, because of the formula, you need to wait about 30 seconds between each coat. I loved this so much, I wanted to try the volume based edition, in the black tube. That was horrible. The applicator isn't the same, the formula sucks and is super flaky.

So Voluminous Million Lashes wins, and you should go try it, asap.

D

Do not buy this one:

d

hes Mascara

L'Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes Mascara

Nostalgic

I got dinner from the Mexi-Casa tonight, in Anaheim. My father and his family came here when he was growing up, that is how long its been in the same spot. The inside is the same, the prices haven't changed much, and I think its super. It amazes me, that I was not raised by my father whatsoever, yet I am very much his daughter. It also makes me very sad.

I've been hiding in my cave the last few days, and this was the first time I left. This is a low, and shaking it seems to be hard. Since Sunday, I've been really sad about my Grandma. I can't talk to her without crying. I just tell her i love her over and over. Really she could die any day. I honestly have no clue. I try to tell her shes my angel, she's the only reason I am alive, she is my reason for living. and I cant even get the words out of my mouth.

I miss my dog Coco. My mom took him the last time i moved, last week. The lady here already has 4 dogs. I smuggled Patsy in as it is. I couldn't bring 3 dogs with me. So now Im sad and guilty, and want my Co co bears.

I hope I feel better, that is all.

Soul Sistah

I think I found her! My thick, pointy nail wearing, retro loving gal. Of course she is gorgeous with an amazing voice. I've been listening to her videos and interviews, in tears and awe. Adele, I love you, and am now convinced we are long lost sisters. She feels like an old soul to me, I can't believe she is so young.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
"I'll remember", you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head

In this video she said one day she would re live is the day her grandpa was dying. I seriously just cried.